Living someone else's life or dying alone.

I am afraid of dying alone.  And I don't mean I will have never gotten married or had kids or a dog or even at least a long term "partner".  I mean where everyone has left me behind - or maybe I left them behind.

I do most things in my life alone - go to the movies, go away for weekends, check out baseball games, go shopping, go to concerts, etc - whereas most others have a plus one to do that with.  I enjoy my independence - my rules are the only ones that need to be followed, on my time, in my way.  I have always been independent, but I think maybe my extreme take on it lately is the combination of missing out on stuff when I first moved to Albany alone (and I wasn't as bold about doing e'erything on my own), realizing that I don't want the world to pass me by, or the fact that I was in a relationship where I felt handcuffed into believing it wasn't OK to do things alone (you were a couple, you did things as a couple) - especially after I moved in.

I am not second guessing my decision to just go and do it - regardless of whether I am alone or not.  But, I am thinking about what that may lead to down the road.  Can I ever coexist again?  What about all of those people in my life (ahem, pretty much all of them) who have that attachment to people - spouses, kids, whatever - where does that leave me with them?  The way I see it now, I'm on the outside, and it won't get any different in the future. That is something I have chosen to do.

I am not going to apologizing for living - after all, life's a banquet and most poor suckers are starving to death!  Why should I starve myself because others are anorexic?

But, where are the others?  It is like I am the only one out there - I am the last of the single girls.  So, I will keep on living, and see where the road goes.  But, I must recognize that the road I am taking may be alone.  At least I lived, and shared it with those who wanted to take that adventure with me.  But, I lived MY life - no one else's.

Is there really an ideal guy for me? Only if he wears a uniform.

While at the Nats game last weekend with some of the college posse, and following several beers, the question was raised about what is my "ideal guy?" (Really, the question was, "if we were husband hunting, what type of guy would you look for?")  I had no idea how to answer that.  Then I thought about my past, who I was happiest with and what others have said about me - I need someone in uniform.  Whether it is a member of the military or an athlete, those type of people make me happy (I was once happiest with someone who was both at one point).  And I am not saying the mission of athletes is anywhere near what our military does, but merely on the surface, there are similarities.

My girlfriend's response was: "You're the type of person who is OK letting the dude have the spotlight, I'm not."  I disagree - I think I am the type of person that is the accompanying spotlight... I can magnify the spotlight... be the burnt orange to their chicago maroon.  I love being the center of attention (generally), but I also enjoy being able to get someone I love into the spotlight, or to make their lives better.  I would love being that woman they come home to, who has kept their lives together, worked her tail off, and kept on trucking while they were out doing their jobs.  And, I don't think it has much to do with the spotlight, but more of a mentality.  Athletes and military men are similar - must abide by a schedule, a physical fitness requirement, dedication to the mission/winning, and personal and team responsibility in their work.  I am by no means a perfect physical specimen and I love my junk food, but I think my personality accompanies these type of requirements - I love to work out, I can't sit still, and I love cheering for my boys (whether they be my sports boys or our soldiers).  I can't deal with someone plopping on the couch (high or otherwise), unless it was to watch their work (ergo, sitting and watching games).  I can be someone's personal cheerleader, and still be strong and independent (and be me).

Maybe it is the Annie Savoy in me.

So, Justin Turner, Ike Davis, DW... gimme a call.

When you come to a fork in the road - take it.

As I wrapped up my trip to VA, I realized that I am on a much different track than other people in my life.  At first I thought many of those around these parts were living in the past - surrounding themselves with people from high school, and having lives revolve around their kids. They just didn't seem like they were moving forward, but staying stagnant.  Then, I realized - I am more the one living in the past.  I am still living the single life even as I push 30.  I don't have a boyfriend, nor do I want one.  I don't have kids, and I sure as hell don't want them now.  I still rent and do many things on my own - because I can. 

I took a fork in the road and I took it.  I could have decided that I wanted to stay for that him, get married and pop out babies (because I knew he wouldn't leave with me).  I could have pushed to fix that relationship in grad school, but I thought it would slow me (and him) down (and we were dysfunctional, but that's another story).  I could have given in alot more to that certain kid in order to make it easier for him, but then that just wouldn't be me. So now he has a gf that feels "respected and loved" - I can either say "you're welcome" or realize that maybe her definition of respect and love are very different from mine. And if that's the case, I feel sorry for her. 

That was the fork I took - I demand the world in return for my life plan to change.  Until you can offer me that, I am not going to budge.  Those people that took the other fork appeared to have gotten their "world" or at least followed their game plan.  They dreamed of a husband and kids when they were growing up, I dreamed of a being a powerful career woman changing the world and livin' it up.  Forever.  The only reason I would think about getting married would be the awesome party I wanted to throw; the only kids I thought that may live with me would be the kids who came to visit me for the summer.  I guess that's the road I am on for now.  Well, probably forever. 

Just because people's idea of the 'world' or their acceptance of the 'world' they were faced with is different than mine, doesn't mean they are going in circles or idling, they just took a different fork.

I took mine.

Orange. Blue. No-No.

Hi57ory, The Kid, and Some Angels... Our first no no

Common Courtesy - Beach, Ballpark, and Bums

I mean, seriously, what the hell happened to it?  Common courtesy comes in different forms - from strangers, to colleagues, to (former) loved ones.

If you walk into someone accidentally on the street, say "sorry" - or at least offer an "oops, my bad."  I went to three Mets games this weekend - and it was awesome. Of course there is going to be bumping, and walking into people, and cutting in front of people - these things happen because of the layout, the number of people (kids and adults alike), excitement, etc.  All it takes to resolve that is an "excuse me."  Sometimes, even a smile and a nod would suffice - some sort of action saying, "hey, I wasn't trying to be douche-y, and we are all trying to make our way to our seats or the bathroom or the hot dog stand."  And all is well again in the world of common decency. Most ballpark goers share this sentiment, and do their best to avoid unnecessary walking/bumping errors.  And, it was my observation the people clad in Yankees garb had the biggest sense of entitlement to walk everywhichdirection without acknowledging their fellow baseball lovers (even though those dopes probably weren't baseball lovers anyway).

Then, there are the beachgoers.  Really, most of these people have no sense of common courtesy, and have no idea of personal space and impact on other beachgoers.  Yes, there is sand everywhere; and yes, the wind blows; and yes, when you walk sand gets kicked up.  But, you have to teach your kids to at least ATTEMPT to go around my blanket... and, you know, sometimes the kids aren't even the worst.  God forbid you have to walk in front of someone and forego holding hands with your manpiece for the .5 seconds it takes to go around someone's blanket - OR THE PERSON. Some clown pretty much kicked sand directly on me as I was sitting in my chair.  Yes, I am a clutz and I walk in random angles (they are still technically straight lines), but at least I make an effort to avoid disrupting other people's spaces.  And sometimes I do accidentally kick sand on someone's blanket, but I turn around, acknowledge my oops, and carry on with my day.  If they want to stay mad, fine, that's their beef, but I at least acknowledge my fumble.

You are teaching kids it is OK to be inconsiderate of other people's space and are giving them a heightened sense of entitlement - yea, that's a winning lesson for life.

Speaking of fumbles, there were many beachgoers tossing around balls and frisbees - and I was on the dividing line of one end.  A ball or two bopped my way (from 2 different groups) - they ran over, apologized, made a joke about their lack of athleticism and then attempted to make an adjustment in their throwing angle/power/whatever.  That's all we ask - an attempt and being considerate of your fellow folks trying to enjoy the sunshine as much as you.

If you shared your life with someone at some point (especially a recent "some point"), and an event occurs (where that person would be impacted by it in some way - emotionally, physically, morally) - whether it be tragic or otherwise - it is common decency to call (or text or email) that person to let them know what happened.  Regardless of the state of your relationship, the phone should have been picked up - some effort should have been made to contact that person directly.  Finding out second or third hand (or reading it online) is just inappropriate and inexcusable.  Maybe it all goes back to the cowardice thing.

We are all sharing this trip around the sun - so why not be a bit more courteous to make the ride more fun?

Awesomeness Begats More Awesomeness

In about 5 months, I will turn 30; to celebrate I am having a countdown to 30 of bad ass adventures. I'm doing things that I haven't done before and crossing them off the bucket list - skydiving, Vegas, paramotoring, seeing Madonna in concert, seeing BRRUUUUUUCE (did that in April), ziplining down a mountain, Ireland, etc.

And, as I ponder what is to come, I think about all the things I have done that many don't get the chance to:

• I have lived in many different places: Long Island, rural upstate NY, Chesterfield, Blacksburg, Newark, and Albany. All very different - all are me in their own way. All have shaped me.
• I have up and moved on my own for myself - twice. First to Newark for grad school, then up to Albany for work. I recommend everyone have this type of experience at least once.  You learn who you are, how to survive alone, and you find out who you really are.
• I have been apart of JROTC, ROTC, VTCC - all of which have allowed me to meet amazing people and do awesome things. One thing JROTC specifically did for me was give me my voice - it showed me something I was good at and brought me out of my shell. I was quiet and fairly introverted until 9th grade. I gained confidence and a platform - thus opening the door to who I could be.
• I rappelled off 30, 40 and 60 foot walls; I jumped off a helicopter skid. I shot an M-16 on semi-automatic.  I got to wake kids up at 5am with Enter Sandman or Welcome to the Jungle reverberating through Old Rasche.  And I did this with some amazing people - my fellow Hokies, my buds, my fellow Hotel and Foxtrot members.  Nothing will replace them or those experiences we had together.
• Speaking of Enter Sandman, do you get the urge to start jumping when you hear it? I do - thanks to Lane Stadium and my Hokies. I've hit the Hokie stone in the tunnel, rushed the field, seen my Hokies win the ACC in its first year of membership (in Miami), and taken over Miami and Jacksonville with thousands of fellow Hokies.
• I walked down the side of an 18-story building to raise dough for the Special Olympics.
• I've had the best boyfriend - New York. Even with my absence when I moved south, he was always loyal. I've seen Conan's and Jimmy Fallon's shows, been on the Today Show (after discussing leather pants with Kenny Chesney's guitar player), ridden the Central Park carousel, walked across the Brooklyn Bridge... I could go on.
• I remember the World Trade Center before 2001, and even before 1993. I saw the Towers from all angles - from Jersey and Staten Island, from uptown and Battery Park.
• I experienced great sporting events - I was at the last day of Shea, saw John Maine take a no no to the 8th, taken people to their first professional baseball and football games, met Darryl Strawberry, bonded with Mr. Met, braved ice to see the Jets the day after Christmas on MNF.
• I marched on the field for the halftime performance of the Peach Bowl in Atlanta.
• I have seen amazing concerts - I've hopped fences to meet Dierks Bentley, jumped on stage to say hi to the Murphys, gotten setlists from various shows, roadtripped to Bristol, DC, Philly, NC, etc with amazing people to catch shows.
• I've had the joy of being Aunt Becca to amazing kiddos - and we've only just begun.
• I've been to a strip club in West Virginia; this wouldn't be at the top of the "awesomeness" pile, but I can say that I did it, and a lot of people probably haven't.
• I have ridden on the back of a Harley.  I am not going to say how I ended up on the back of said Harley with this certain individual, but it was pretty sweet.
• I have loved and been loved completely; it may not have lasted, and it was only for a short while a long time ago, but it happened. Make sure you find that kind of love - don't settle.  And I haven't.

The Way We Were

Your girl is lovely, Hubbell.
I don't get it.
And you never will.

I posted that on FB recently, and was asked why so many women identify with this movie (SN: this set of lines is from "Sex and the City's" reference to the film).  I gave a brief summation to that initial question, and it got me thinking about all the ins and outs of my answers - so I figured expanding my response may clear things up.  I will put a caveat in there - find a summary of the flick (IMDB has a pretty good one) so you can understand what the heck I am talking about.  Also, I am not "men bashing" here - I am using he vs. she as it relates to characters in the movie.  I identify more with the she - but there are just as many men who may fall into this category.

Many of us see ourselves in Katie: uncompromising, strong-willed, independent, pushy (in the "get off your ass" or "you aren't living up to your potential" kind of way), and outspoken.  But, we are also giving and loving; we yearn for what "could be" or "should be" with a little elbow grease. We can be vulnerable and lonely, because we sometimes alienate ourselves or can be too intense for people around us (or for our own good). We people on pedestals or view someone in their "ideal" state (or basically, the way they should be when they actually live up to their potential or allow themselves to be good people).

Often, people (men) can't handle this type of personality; I think it is that they just don't want to deal with it - it is too hard for them.  They can't handle challenges - whether it is in a relationship or life.  It is work (Easy? Maybe easier than the Hundred Years War!) to them, but in reality all it takes is a little effort. There is an expectation that things should fall in their favor, in whatever manner they feel it should go. The amount of effort each puts into life is similar to the effort they are willing to put into a relationship before it meets that awful threshold of becoming "work."  Those who put minimal effort into their every day life or have that sense of expectations, will put in minimal efforts toward working on a relationship before they squirm their way out of it because it is "too much work."  She puts effort into her life every day - changing the world, educating society, changing herself, wanting more out of life and going for it - and she expects that her relationships would be no different.  She also expects the other person in a relationship (friends, lovers, family) to put in that same kind of effort, and when they don't it just boggles her (and she often lets them know it). 

Some will take the easy way - Hubbell stuck with writing screenplays rather than writing that glorious novel that Katie wanted  him to do, and she knew he could do.  When things get too much or too sour, they find ways to go "the easy way out" - whether it is sleeping with an ex-girlfriend as Hubbell did (while Katie was pregnant), or maybe just continually driving her away, or just not even attempting to be human to someone.  But, they will never pull the trigger and just end it - because they are afraid? Because they know they were wrong? Because they are too selfish? Because they know what they are losing or have already lost? So, they allow the strong pushy one to take the reins, as usual, and end it.  They drive her away until she does it, because they know she will.  They quit because it is too much work to fix it or end it themselves.

And, she knows that it probably wouldn't have worked - but she won't know for sure because there was no effort, no confirmation that they both fought the good fight to the bitter end.  She feels she gave everything she had, and Hubbell just shacked up with someone new because it simply wouldn't work.  Katie moved on, got married to a man who was a great dad to Rachel; Hubbell still wrote screenplays and had a new lady-friend on his arm.  "Your girl is lovely, Hubbell."  Katie offers to meet for drinks, but he can't do it.  There's that moment....

In the end we yearn for the consolation prize of knowing that he has realized that she is the best thing that has ever happened to him - and she is probably the only one who could or would ever love him fully... not necessarily for what he is, but for what he really truly could be.  No one else would challenge him like she did, or attempt to make him a better person like she would.  But, he also knew she wouldn't stick around unless he made changes, or penance, or became a the person he should become. He probably wanted to. He just couldn't get out of his own way - or get off his ass.