The Way We Were

Your girl is lovely, Hubbell.
I don't get it.
And you never will.

I posted that on FB recently, and was asked why so many women identify with this movie (SN: this set of lines is from "Sex and the City's" reference to the film).  I gave a brief summation to that initial question, and it got me thinking about all the ins and outs of my answers - so I figured expanding my response may clear things up.  I will put a caveat in there - find a summary of the flick (IMDB has a pretty good one) so you can understand what the heck I am talking about.  Also, I am not "men bashing" here - I am using he vs. she as it relates to characters in the movie.  I identify more with the she - but there are just as many men who may fall into this category.

Many of us see ourselves in Katie: uncompromising, strong-willed, independent, pushy (in the "get off your ass" or "you aren't living up to your potential" kind of way), and outspoken.  But, we are also giving and loving; we yearn for what "could be" or "should be" with a little elbow grease. We can be vulnerable and lonely, because we sometimes alienate ourselves or can be too intense for people around us (or for our own good). We people on pedestals or view someone in their "ideal" state (or basically, the way they should be when they actually live up to their potential or allow themselves to be good people).

Often, people (men) can't handle this type of personality; I think it is that they just don't want to deal with it - it is too hard for them.  They can't handle challenges - whether it is in a relationship or life.  It is work (Easy? Maybe easier than the Hundred Years War!) to them, but in reality all it takes is a little effort. There is an expectation that things should fall in their favor, in whatever manner they feel it should go. The amount of effort each puts into life is similar to the effort they are willing to put into a relationship before it meets that awful threshold of becoming "work."  Those who put minimal effort into their every day life or have that sense of expectations, will put in minimal efforts toward working on a relationship before they squirm their way out of it because it is "too much work."  She puts effort into her life every day - changing the world, educating society, changing herself, wanting more out of life and going for it - and she expects that her relationships would be no different.  She also expects the other person in a relationship (friends, lovers, family) to put in that same kind of effort, and when they don't it just boggles her (and she often lets them know it). 

Some will take the easy way - Hubbell stuck with writing screenplays rather than writing that glorious novel that Katie wanted  him to do, and she knew he could do.  When things get too much or too sour, they find ways to go "the easy way out" - whether it is sleeping with an ex-girlfriend as Hubbell did (while Katie was pregnant), or maybe just continually driving her away, or just not even attempting to be human to someone.  But, they will never pull the trigger and just end it - because they are afraid? Because they know they were wrong? Because they are too selfish? Because they know what they are losing or have already lost? So, they allow the strong pushy one to take the reins, as usual, and end it.  They drive her away until she does it, because they know she will.  They quit because it is too much work to fix it or end it themselves.

And, she knows that it probably wouldn't have worked - but she won't know for sure because there was no effort, no confirmation that they both fought the good fight to the bitter end.  She feels she gave everything she had, and Hubbell just shacked up with someone new because it simply wouldn't work.  Katie moved on, got married to a man who was a great dad to Rachel; Hubbell still wrote screenplays and had a new lady-friend on his arm.  "Your girl is lovely, Hubbell."  Katie offers to meet for drinks, but he can't do it.  There's that moment....

In the end we yearn for the consolation prize of knowing that he has realized that she is the best thing that has ever happened to him - and she is probably the only one who could or would ever love him fully... not necessarily for what he is, but for what he really truly could be.  No one else would challenge him like she did, or attempt to make him a better person like she would.  But, he also knew she wouldn't stick around unless he made changes, or penance, or became a the person he should become. He probably wanted to. He just couldn't get out of his own way - or get off his ass.