Living someone else's life or dying alone.

I am afraid of dying alone.  And I don't mean I will have never gotten married or had kids or a dog or even at least a long term "partner".  I mean where everyone has left me behind - or maybe I left them behind.

I do most things in my life alone - go to the movies, go away for weekends, check out baseball games, go shopping, go to concerts, etc - whereas most others have a plus one to do that with.  I enjoy my independence - my rules are the only ones that need to be followed, on my time, in my way.  I have always been independent, but I think maybe my extreme take on it lately is the combination of missing out on stuff when I first moved to Albany alone (and I wasn't as bold about doing e'erything on my own), realizing that I don't want the world to pass me by, or the fact that I was in a relationship where I felt handcuffed into believing it wasn't OK to do things alone (you were a couple, you did things as a couple) - especially after I moved in.

I am not second guessing my decision to just go and do it - regardless of whether I am alone or not.  But, I am thinking about what that may lead to down the road.  Can I ever coexist again?  What about all of those people in my life (ahem, pretty much all of them) who have that attachment to people - spouses, kids, whatever - where does that leave me with them?  The way I see it now, I'm on the outside, and it won't get any different in the future. That is something I have chosen to do.

I am not going to apologizing for living - after all, life's a banquet and most poor suckers are starving to death!  Why should I starve myself because others are anorexic?

But, where are the others?  It is like I am the only one out there - I am the last of the single girls.  So, I will keep on living, and see where the road goes.  But, I must recognize that the road I am taking may be alone.  At least I lived, and shared it with those who wanted to take that adventure with me.  But, I lived MY life - no one else's.

Is there really an ideal guy for me? Only if he wears a uniform.

While at the Nats game last weekend with some of the college posse, and following several beers, the question was raised about what is my "ideal guy?" (Really, the question was, "if we were husband hunting, what type of guy would you look for?")  I had no idea how to answer that.  Then I thought about my past, who I was happiest with and what others have said about me - I need someone in uniform.  Whether it is a member of the military or an athlete, those type of people make me happy (I was once happiest with someone who was both at one point).  And I am not saying the mission of athletes is anywhere near what our military does, but merely on the surface, there are similarities.

My girlfriend's response was: "You're the type of person who is OK letting the dude have the spotlight, I'm not."  I disagree - I think I am the type of person that is the accompanying spotlight... I can magnify the spotlight... be the burnt orange to their chicago maroon.  I love being the center of attention (generally), but I also enjoy being able to get someone I love into the spotlight, or to make their lives better.  I would love being that woman they come home to, who has kept their lives together, worked her tail off, and kept on trucking while they were out doing their jobs.  And, I don't think it has much to do with the spotlight, but more of a mentality.  Athletes and military men are similar - must abide by a schedule, a physical fitness requirement, dedication to the mission/winning, and personal and team responsibility in their work.  I am by no means a perfect physical specimen and I love my junk food, but I think my personality accompanies these type of requirements - I love to work out, I can't sit still, and I love cheering for my boys (whether they be my sports boys or our soldiers).  I can't deal with someone plopping on the couch (high or otherwise), unless it was to watch their work (ergo, sitting and watching games).  I can be someone's personal cheerleader, and still be strong and independent (and be me).

Maybe it is the Annie Savoy in me.

So, Justin Turner, Ike Davis, DW... gimme a call.

When you come to a fork in the road - take it.

As I wrapped up my trip to VA, I realized that I am on a much different track than other people in my life.  At first I thought many of those around these parts were living in the past - surrounding themselves with people from high school, and having lives revolve around their kids. They just didn't seem like they were moving forward, but staying stagnant.  Then, I realized - I am more the one living in the past.  I am still living the single life even as I push 30.  I don't have a boyfriend, nor do I want one.  I don't have kids, and I sure as hell don't want them now.  I still rent and do many things on my own - because I can. 

I took a fork in the road and I took it.  I could have decided that I wanted to stay for that him, get married and pop out babies (because I knew he wouldn't leave with me).  I could have pushed to fix that relationship in grad school, but I thought it would slow me (and him) down (and we were dysfunctional, but that's another story).  I could have given in alot more to that certain kid in order to make it easier for him, but then that just wouldn't be me. So now he has a gf that feels "respected and loved" - I can either say "you're welcome" or realize that maybe her definition of respect and love are very different from mine. And if that's the case, I feel sorry for her. 

That was the fork I took - I demand the world in return for my life plan to change.  Until you can offer me that, I am not going to budge.  Those people that took the other fork appeared to have gotten their "world" or at least followed their game plan.  They dreamed of a husband and kids when they were growing up, I dreamed of a being a powerful career woman changing the world and livin' it up.  Forever.  The only reason I would think about getting married would be the awesome party I wanted to throw; the only kids I thought that may live with me would be the kids who came to visit me for the summer.  I guess that's the road I am on for now.  Well, probably forever. 

Just because people's idea of the 'world' or their acceptance of the 'world' they were faced with is different than mine, doesn't mean they are going in circles or idling, they just took a different fork.

I took mine.