Living someone else's life or dying alone.

I am afraid of dying alone.  And I don't mean I will have never gotten married or had kids or a dog or even at least a long term "partner".  I mean where everyone has left me behind - or maybe I left them behind.

I do most things in my life alone - go to the movies, go away for weekends, check out baseball games, go shopping, go to concerts, etc - whereas most others have a plus one to do that with.  I enjoy my independence - my rules are the only ones that need to be followed, on my time, in my way.  I have always been independent, but I think maybe my extreme take on it lately is the combination of missing out on stuff when I first moved to Albany alone (and I wasn't as bold about doing e'erything on my own), realizing that I don't want the world to pass me by, or the fact that I was in a relationship where I felt handcuffed into believing it wasn't OK to do things alone (you were a couple, you did things as a couple) - especially after I moved in.

I am not second guessing my decision to just go and do it - regardless of whether I am alone or not.  But, I am thinking about what that may lead to down the road.  Can I ever coexist again?  What about all of those people in my life (ahem, pretty much all of them) who have that attachment to people - spouses, kids, whatever - where does that leave me with them?  The way I see it now, I'm on the outside, and it won't get any different in the future. That is something I have chosen to do.

I am not going to apologizing for living - after all, life's a banquet and most poor suckers are starving to death!  Why should I starve myself because others are anorexic?

But, where are the others?  It is like I am the only one out there - I am the last of the single girls.  So, I will keep on living, and see where the road goes.  But, I must recognize that the road I am taking may be alone.  At least I lived, and shared it with those who wanted to take that adventure with me.  But, I lived MY life - no one else's.