Men should not be the only ones resurrecting chivalry

There is all this talk of chivalry being dead, and everyone needs to point out all the things men need to do to/for women to help bring it back. 

What does chivalry even mean?  It goes back to the Middle Ages and the ideal qualities and character of knights, including mercy towards the poor, humility, valor, faithfulness, courage, fear of God, and graciousness and courtesy to women.  Chivalry and its related traits are generally noble and something we should aspire to - so why is it limited to what men should do? Why shouldn't women be held to the same standard and why is it only left to men?

This article talks about the 8 things men should do for women.  Some, admittedly, may be seen as sweet when offered on occasion or during the courting process, but shouldn't it work both ways (at least a little)?  Moreover, why should women have the expectations that men do these things for them ALL THE TIME. Whether you're in a relationship or in society at large, the high expectations that men treat you "special" or act in a chivalrous manner 24/7 is unfair and unrealistic. Not to mention, blurring the lines of professional courtesy.

It talks about dropping her off at the door if you have to drive around to find a parking spot (especially if she is in heels).  Well, I have been in situations where the dude I was with got new shoes - and of course he didn't wear them in so he's kvetching about how uncomfortable they are.  If she is comfortable in her attire and footwear, why shouldn't she drop him off?  Wouldn't that be the courteous thing to do?

But the biggest thing that chaps my ass is the whole "giving up the seat" thing. "I always cringe a bit when I see a woman or elderly person forced to stand while young men remain distracted by their phones."  Why the hell are women lumped in with the elderly (which I think seats should absolutely be offered up to, if they want it)?  Generally, when we use the term "elderly" we ever to older fools who may not have the strength or stamina of others (really, I know some pushing 80 that are stronger than most dudes in their 20s) - do you see women the same way?

Doesn't it occur to you that a male could be just as much dead on their feet as a woman, and just needs to sit down on that long trip home?  Why should a man who has been working on his feet all day at a deli have to give up his seat to a woman who is just starting her day?  Why is that same man any different than a woman who has been on her feet all day working at a retail store?  Aren't their efforts equal - a long day on their feet?  Regardless of gender, if you are refreshed and getting your day started, and you see someone get on the train that you can tell was on their feet for hours (or is frazzled our looks like their feet are generally killing them), maybe, as a person, you should consider letting that person have your seat - whether it be a man or a woman.  Chivalry is about generosity and mercy - why is it limited to showing those traits to women?  Why couldn't a man do something similar for another man?  Or a female for another female? 

SN:  You offer me your seat just because I am a female, and I will squarely turn your ass down.  If you offer it to me because you can tell I am beat and need to take a load off, whether you are male or female, I will be gracious regardless of whether I take you up on your offer.

I am in no way saying dudes shouldn't do these things - they will certainly get you points when you first start dating or are stuck in the doghouse - but why should they be the only one held to this standard?  Doing all of these things, all of the time, can sometimes take the level of "courtesy" to the next level of giving her a sense of helplessness.  Both men and women in a relationship need to find that happy medium - for themselves and their relationship. 

This also needs to happen in society in general. If I'm at work, I don't expect, nor do I want, to see men carrying out acts of chivalry. We work together, we are professionals, and me being female should not mean I'm treated differently. Standing around waiting for the men in front of me to get on the elevator, only to have them step aside and defer until I walk to the front of the crowd to get on first because I'm a lady, is so goddam annoying. Don't make me parade through the crowd - GET ON THE DAMN ELEVATOR.

Find a balance, guys, and don't be dicks. Let's treat everyone right - and reserve special acts of chivalry for sporadic brownie points. Don't let gender decide who does it or expects to see it.

Promotion! New agency! And I am freaking out!

ICYMI: I got a new job.  I have been with OGS as an Agency Labor Rep since May.  I accepted a promotion at the Department of Environmental Conservation as an Agency Labor Rep 2. It is a small office - it is an ALR3 and me (and a Director who oversees other things).... And. So. I. Am. Freaking. Out.

Back during the interview process, this was the first interview where NONE of the cookie cutter questions that college and our future-grooming tried to prepare us for were asked.  The questions were all about my experience - a bit of a surprise for me.  Before this, promotions were a natural progression and changing fields was a new experience where my skills was all I needed (and not necessarily subject matter knowledge).  But, now, I am expected to know what the hell I am doing, and do it at a higher level. I have been in the Labor Relations field for 9 months, and during the interview I realized how much stuff I actually DID and that I actually (kinda) knew what I was doing. 

It is invigorating and unnerving, scary and exhilarating.  I know I can do the job, and I know I will be good at it because I like what I do, but this is the moment where adulthood actually slaps you in the face.  No panic, but clear anxiety that will pass once I walk in there the first day.  Charismatic, goofy, ridiculous Becca will arrive and knock their socks off.  Maybe the best thing I have going for me is that I can openly admit that I am feeling this, because I don't know if 25  year old Becca would have been able to.

Emotions or feelings of uneasiness or anxiety are not a sign of weakness - just find a way to harness them and turn it into positive energy and motivation to kick ass at whatever you need to face.  So, all you crazy kids out there, embrace whatever emotions you are having, conquer the fear, confront the anxiety and turn it into a power play.

So- I am going to ninja kick this job!

Friday the 14th

Yes, Friday is February 14th... VALENTINE'S DAY! I call Singles Appreciation Day, because why not? Do I care about it? Personally not really, but VDay always means:

Marathon of Valentine/love/rom-com/dramas on every goddam channel. Do they bother me? Nah*. Annoying, yes. They are the same as any other themed marathon, and I'll be honest, the only marathons I truly embrace are TCM's 31 Days of Oscar and baseball related movies.

(*Caveat: there are certain things that bother me, of which I'll explain below.)

Then there's all the "buy her this...." commercials, from jewelry to teddy bears to chocolate to lingerie. A bit ridiculous that only the women should accept gifts or that men are the only ones that fret over VDay gifts. I'm a non romantic doof, I'd have no idea what to get. But, I put up with the commercials- it's a business, man, go make yo' money on a holiday.

But, the holiday always brings out some of the ridiculous, like articles or ads about "how to catch a guy" or "how to make him stick around" or "YOU NEED A MAN." Well, maybe not worded directly like that, but you get the point.

First, no one "needs" a partner; a partner is someone you find that completes you, and you shouldn't settle for anything less.  If you want to find your mate via dating sites, etc. more power to ya, but if you are good just how you are, keep doing you.

Anything beyond "be yourself" shouldn't be on any list on how to snare/keep a mate. By pretending to be someone else or taming your personality can lead to a rude awakening when the real you comes out. I'm not talking about in a fight or whatever, I'm talking about everyday you. I was told to temper my baseball/football passion/knowledge when I first met a guy, but that's part of who I am. Why should I leave out such a big part of my personality? If you can't handle it, bro, I'm not a girl for you.

Then we get to the movies that are promoted where "finding a mate" is the end all, be all, and life isn't worth living or is incomplete without "love" and someone needs to be rescued or save the other. Not everyone needs to be rescued, or be the knight in shining armor; people don't necessarily need a partner to make life complete. Are facets of this real? Sure. Everyone wants a fairy tale- just make sure it's your own, and you are true to yourself. Give me movies like "The Muppets" or "Love Actually" or "Pride and Prejudice" that portray complicated people and relationships, and strong, but flawed, characters (both men and women). Show me people that find the perfect complement, regardless of their issues, without compromise because they realize they don't need a man (or woman).

So, in conclusion, Eliza Bennett 4 lyfe.

I eat alone.

YES. I GO OUT TO DINNER ALONE.

Friday night I went out to dinner to celebrate my promotion.  I had errands to run, and was craving some cinnamon butter and steak goodness, so I went to Texas Roadhouse.  I get there and it is an hour+ wait.  That's fine - I can wait, and will keep an eye out for open spots at the bar.  I make my first loop - full.  Wait about ten minutes and do another loop and see an empty seat on the far end of the bar.  I walk over and there is a couple in front of me who are ordering drinks standing in front of the single chair.  They get their drinks, and just stand there.  I wait a minute or two to let them get their shit together, get situated, etc. and they don't move.  Just stand there awkwardly.  So I walk over to ask if they are sitting down - and I get a sigh and a roll of the eyes.  Homeboy pulls the "well... uhhh" - lame.  I tell them I just want to eat and I got the "oh, she's here alone, give her a stool to sit and have her dinner."  Give me a break. 

Obviously I order a drink ASAP and then I feel the stares from said couple.  Really, people?  You are there having awkward conversation drinking your white wine, and you are judging ME?!  Throughout the night I have conversations with various people on social media or texts and one statement was: I wouldn't have the balls to do that. 

Do what?  Eat alone?  Really?  Sometimes solitude in a busy restaurant is just right.  You can peoplewatch, drink whatever you want, not have to worry about any conversation or awkward silences.  You can even make some new friends - I didn't Friday night because the dudes next to me were typical drunk Yankee fan douchers, so that was a no-go. 

The thing is, why THE HELL is it such a big deal for someone to eat alone.  More accurately, why is there a need for a feeling of pity when a female eats alone?  While I was getting stares and sympathetic looks (as well as getting extra attention from the other 2 bartenders beyond the one who was my primary server), a dude came in and stood behind me to order a beer (I'm little, he wasn't in my space, I was next to the computer and the tap, so NBD), and the bartender knew him by name and what he drank.  Apparently him being there alone was nothing new - so why was it so different for me?

Many people know that  I spend weekend mornings (and afternoons and early evenings) watching Law & Order reruns on whatever of the four channels that are showing it now.  Ever notice how Jack McCoy or Arthur Branch or Adam Schiff are interrupted at a meal - and they are often eating alone?  Yes, they are all males in senior positions (whether it be Executive Assistant DA or the DA), but there is not a second thought or a comment about them eating alone, except for maybe the occasional comment after Jack was appointed to complete Branch's term as DA (but that seemed to be geared towards his rise in power).  Isn't it ironic that I am out celebrating a promotion, and I am eating alone?

Then, on the same show, you don't see any of the female Assistant DAs eating alone; the females you see eating alone are the opposing attorneys or judges - and often they are labeled a certain way before that (whether it is conniving or bitchy or whatever).  Why is that? Sure, most of the power roles are men (with the exception of Diane Wiest for a hot minute), so does that mean it's lonely at the top? 

Is the correlation to power or to gender?  Are we to expect that the more powerful or higher up a person is then the more acceptable it is for someone to eat alone? Or does it tie to powerful males - a man needs to be alone with his thoughts (and a drink and food) in order to process the powerful thing he did that day?  Would it apply to females in power positions - would a woman who heads a company, or an office, go out and eat alone so a woman can be alone with her thoughts and decompress for a day?  Damn straight she would.  The question is, would that be acceptable?  Would there still be awkward stares? 

The thing is, going out to eat or doing anything alone is really not that big of a deal.  Really.  Going out alone shouldn't have to take "balls," it should just take someone wanting to enjoy a meal and being comfortable with yourself.  Maybe that is where it equates to power positions - maybe those people who are in power (those DAs, those judges, those lawyers) are comfortable with themselves and what they do and can enjoy time alone.  They can enjoy a meal, sitting at a bar or a booth or a table without company, because they are not really alone, they themselves are company.  It shouldn't be an issue whether it is male or female - sometimes people just need to be alone with their thoughts and not give a shit if no one else wants to enjoy a steak with them.