I eat alone.

YES. I GO OUT TO DINNER ALONE.

Friday night I went out to dinner to celebrate my promotion.  I had errands to run, and was craving some cinnamon butter and steak goodness, so I went to Texas Roadhouse.  I get there and it is an hour+ wait.  That's fine - I can wait, and will keep an eye out for open spots at the bar.  I make my first loop - full.  Wait about ten minutes and do another loop and see an empty seat on the far end of the bar.  I walk over and there is a couple in front of me who are ordering drinks standing in front of the single chair.  They get their drinks, and just stand there.  I wait a minute or two to let them get their shit together, get situated, etc. and they don't move.  Just stand there awkwardly.  So I walk over to ask if they are sitting down - and I get a sigh and a roll of the eyes.  Homeboy pulls the "well... uhhh" - lame.  I tell them I just want to eat and I got the "oh, she's here alone, give her a stool to sit and have her dinner."  Give me a break. 

Obviously I order a drink ASAP and then I feel the stares from said couple.  Really, people?  You are there having awkward conversation drinking your white wine, and you are judging ME?!  Throughout the night I have conversations with various people on social media or texts and one statement was: I wouldn't have the balls to do that. 

Do what?  Eat alone?  Really?  Sometimes solitude in a busy restaurant is just right.  You can peoplewatch, drink whatever you want, not have to worry about any conversation or awkward silences.  You can even make some new friends - I didn't Friday night because the dudes next to me were typical drunk Yankee fan douchers, so that was a no-go. 

The thing is, why THE HELL is it such a big deal for someone to eat alone.  More accurately, why is there a need for a feeling of pity when a female eats alone?  While I was getting stares and sympathetic looks (as well as getting extra attention from the other 2 bartenders beyond the one who was my primary server), a dude came in and stood behind me to order a beer (I'm little, he wasn't in my space, I was next to the computer and the tap, so NBD), and the bartender knew him by name and what he drank.  Apparently him being there alone was nothing new - so why was it so different for me?

Many people know that  I spend weekend mornings (and afternoons and early evenings) watching Law & Order reruns on whatever of the four channels that are showing it now.  Ever notice how Jack McCoy or Arthur Branch or Adam Schiff are interrupted at a meal - and they are often eating alone?  Yes, they are all males in senior positions (whether it be Executive Assistant DA or the DA), but there is not a second thought or a comment about them eating alone, except for maybe the occasional comment after Jack was appointed to complete Branch's term as DA (but that seemed to be geared towards his rise in power).  Isn't it ironic that I am out celebrating a promotion, and I am eating alone?

Then, on the same show, you don't see any of the female Assistant DAs eating alone; the females you see eating alone are the opposing attorneys or judges - and often they are labeled a certain way before that (whether it is conniving or bitchy or whatever).  Why is that? Sure, most of the power roles are men (with the exception of Diane Wiest for a hot minute), so does that mean it's lonely at the top? 

Is the correlation to power or to gender?  Are we to expect that the more powerful or higher up a person is then the more acceptable it is for someone to eat alone? Or does it tie to powerful males - a man needs to be alone with his thoughts (and a drink and food) in order to process the powerful thing he did that day?  Would it apply to females in power positions - would a woman who heads a company, or an office, go out and eat alone so a woman can be alone with her thoughts and decompress for a day?  Damn straight she would.  The question is, would that be acceptable?  Would there still be awkward stares? 

The thing is, going out to eat or doing anything alone is really not that big of a deal.  Really.  Going out alone shouldn't have to take "balls," it should just take someone wanting to enjoy a meal and being comfortable with yourself.  Maybe that is where it equates to power positions - maybe those people who are in power (those DAs, those judges, those lawyers) are comfortable with themselves and what they do and can enjoy time alone.  They can enjoy a meal, sitting at a bar or a booth or a table without company, because they are not really alone, they themselves are company.  It shouldn't be an issue whether it is male or female - sometimes people just need to be alone with their thoughts and not give a shit if no one else wants to enjoy a steak with them.