I saw "Fifty Shades of Fucked Up" this weekend...

And. It. Was. Terrible.  On so many levels. The only reason we saw it was because we were able to see it *together.* Three catchphrases: "Ew" - at an unexpected sniffing by Christian Grey; "That was the worst movie I have ever seen" - before the credits even started; "What the fuck?!" - a certain side view. We even came to the conclusion that Christian Grey IS Patrick Bateman.

It was just bad and even the expectation of soft core porn was not met.  The sex scenes weren't even that good, man. Not to mention, it is just really just fucked up.  Yes, movies are supposed to be entertainment, but when people go to see a movie expecting an education in a lifestyle choice and THAT'S what you get... there is a problem. So, here we go:

First, it was just BAD. There was no "eye catching" or "sit up in your seat and pay attention" or "wow, such sexual tension" moment.  Examples: the library scene in "Atonement;" the whistling scene in "To Have and Have Not;" Dom taking care of Letty as they are working on cars in "The Fast and the Furious;" etc.... All around a boring script that goes from meh-ness, to spanking, to wah-ness, to ropes, to outright terrible.

Really, Dakota Johnson in this movie is only slightly better than Kristen Stewart's emotional range.  And, I love me some Jamie Dornan - he is a beautiful man and I love how is accent slightly comes out at times - but he is not a fitting Christian Grey.

This is not meant to be a view of a healthy and mutual relationship.  Sure, there are type-A people in relationships with non-Type-A folks, but there is usually a complement there. This relationship is controlled by a narcissistic sociopath who wants it his way or no way and wants to inflict pain to punish, not for mutual pleasure. Not to mention if you break into a girl's apartment, it's breaking and entering; if you sell a girl's car without telling her, that's theft; if you give a girl a laptop and car to persuade her to abide by your rules, you are basically making her a prostitute. FYI - not cool.

And, ultimately, as far as I know (I am not claiming to be an expert, but I have google and have talked to people who may or may not have participated in it), it is not indicative of a BDSM lifestyle. To each his own man, especially in the bedroom, but what happens in the bedroom should be a mutual understanding and sharing of desires. Be dominant; be submissive; lady in the street, freak in the bed... go for it - but when it is expected for a partner to submit to the other for things like where to go for dinner, and if you get off on inflicting pain for punishment and the other person doesn't like it THAT IS ABUSE.

Not to mention, there seemed to be a theme that liking BDSM is a result of an abusive, traumatic or fucked up childhood, which I also think is a poor message. Engaging in this in the bedroom or is a piece of a mutual loving and understanding relationship, doesn't necessarily mean that there is a dysfunctional relationship. In fact, finding a place where you and your partner can ultimately trust each other and share something that you both enjoy is a key part to a happy and healthy relationship. However, the way Grey manipulates, controls and inflicts pain to punish is demonstrative of being fucked up or just being a bad fucking person. 

It may not be your bag, but not everyone is into the same thing. That's cool - do you. But, participation needs to be mutual rather than imposed.

Bottom line, the story is ridiculous and the movie was the worst. Carry on.

Suddenly self-conscious single

For some reason I have suddenly become super self-conscious that I am single.  Not in the "I am so looooooonely and will die ALONE WAHHHHHHHH" kind of way, but in the "wow, I really am pretty much the last of my friends that is single.  Whut?!"  It kind of hit me ridiculously hard this weekend for some reason - maybe it is because two of my usual single stand-bys suddenly BOTH have lady friends.  And all of a sudden, I feel like I have to change around them (it doesn't help that I have a history with one of them... but that is drama for another day) sometimes.  It's not like I can't be my usual asshole self, but I feel like maaaayyyybe some jokes just can't be said anymore around them.  And so, I am SUPER self-conscious about it. 

I made a comment about it this weekend, and folks in the crew didn't seem to understand that even with not all of the significant others there, it was still weird.  All the hooked up ones were either smooching or cuddling with their boos, and if they weren't there they were texting them.  Then there was me... drunk texting one of the Harvettes.  I am totally OK with being the one drunk texting the babies, but, really, having a companion doing the same would be GLORIOUS.  Maybe part of it is that I am also the "crazy" one - in the "let's party til we drop, fools" kind of way. Aaaaaand they've all allowed age to get the better of them.

It probably also doesn't help that, as the lone single one, everyone else seems to have a "find a dude Becca can hook up with or make out with or marry" radar out in full force when we go out.  Sometimes it works, usually it doesn't.  I am perfectly capable of creepin' all by myself, thank you very much.  So, because I am pretty much the last one, I am hyper aware of it, which in turn becomes a hyper ridiculous situation at times.   Eh.  Oh well - see you out there, friends...

Why do we qualify rejections?

"You're a pretty girl, but...."
"I think you're a great guy, but..."

How many times have we said these things or had these things said to us?  Why do we have to qualify why we are rejecting someone?  I mean, why can't we just say "I just don't dig you."  We don't need to lay out some bullshit line to pick someone up, just to bring 'em down.  To me, tossing out that little caveat at the beginning makes rejection sting a little but more, mainly because it seems like a load of, well, bullshit, and you felt the need to throw out a condescending remark.  Often times, this makes the person feel low, used, and like shit.

I get it, we don't want to hurt someone's feelings, and we think that giving the person a little piece of warm and fuzzies will make rejection go down smooth.  In actuality, it makes it a little sugar high into a major sugar crash.

Just be honest about it: "I don't dig you, sorry dude." If there's a reason, or they ask you why, say it: "you're too wild" or "you're a Yankees fan" or "there's just no spark."  Honesty people, just throw it out there without some nonsense line to start the conversation.  I am not saying being a dick about it, but adding on a load of sugar isn't going to make it any better, either.  And really, honesty up front, without a load fluff around it, will make things a whole lot easier.  We accept it, we stay buddies (or move on to the next one).

Seriously, a spoonful of honest sugar helps the medicine go down; adding a little "but...." at the beginning turns it way too sour.

Why do I have to explain why I'm single? #IWD2014

It is International Women's Day, and believe me we've come a long way, but there's more to do. This iteration is brought to you by this question: why do I have to explain why I'm single?

When people find out I'm single, it often goes to "did you just break up?" or "he's out there" or "you're such a catch." The last one is debatable, but whatever. When I say I'm single by choice I get stares; I get a more tame reaction when I say I don't want kids. The fact that me not wanting to procreate is more acceptable than my pride in being single is surprising.

I have to explain I'm not anti-relationship... but I kind of am. Being single doesn't always mean being lonely; I've been more lonely with a bf than when single. Point is, a relationship will only happen when there are fireworks - not sparklers, but Magic Kingdom Wishes fireworks. I don't have time to see if that sparkler will become a spectacle, but it needs to be there at the start. I've had crazy fireworks x1000 once and I won't settle for anything less at the get go.

Why is that so hard to understand?

I mean, I'm usually attracted to someone put together (job, etc) but unavailable. Generally, it's someone emotionally unavailable (like me), emotionally retarded (like me), or broken (like me), which leads to, well, nothing. That's the way the cookie crumbles. AND I'M OK WITH THAT. I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR ANYTHING ELSE.

As a woman who recently celebrated a Mike Piazza birthday, this is crazy talk to some. Not the fact that I'm single, but the fact that IDGAF and won't attempt it unless there's a ridiculous fireworks show. I mean, why not? I've got a good life, and there are parameters to disrupting that. Wishes fireworks.

If I were a dude, this would all be totally unquestionable. I mean, they are the ones with careers and a wild streak and all that. So why is it they are distinguished bachelors, but I'm a head case cat lady? What's the difference? A vagina, neediness and maternal instincts, apparently. NOPE.  I'm generally the crazy one with a wild streak... so why isn't acceptable for me?

Show me Wishes, and I'll consider changing it up. Until then, I'll make out a time or two with a sparkler and go on my merry way.

Men should not be the only ones resurrecting chivalry

There is all this talk of chivalry being dead, and everyone needs to point out all the things men need to do to/for women to help bring it back. 

What does chivalry even mean?  It goes back to the Middle Ages and the ideal qualities and character of knights, including mercy towards the poor, humility, valor, faithfulness, courage, fear of God, and graciousness and courtesy to women.  Chivalry and its related traits are generally noble and something we should aspire to - so why is it limited to what men should do? Why shouldn't women be held to the same standard and why is it only left to men?

This article talks about the 8 things men should do for women.  Some, admittedly, may be seen as sweet when offered on occasion or during the courting process, but shouldn't it work both ways (at least a little)?  Moreover, why should women have the expectations that men do these things for them ALL THE TIME. Whether you're in a relationship or in society at large, the high expectations that men treat you "special" or act in a chivalrous manner 24/7 is unfair and unrealistic. Not to mention, blurring the lines of professional courtesy.

It talks about dropping her off at the door if you have to drive around to find a parking spot (especially if she is in heels).  Well, I have been in situations where the dude I was with got new shoes - and of course he didn't wear them in so he's kvetching about how uncomfortable they are.  If she is comfortable in her attire and footwear, why shouldn't she drop him off?  Wouldn't that be the courteous thing to do?

But the biggest thing that chaps my ass is the whole "giving up the seat" thing. "I always cringe a bit when I see a woman or elderly person forced to stand while young men remain distracted by their phones."  Why the hell are women lumped in with the elderly (which I think seats should absolutely be offered up to, if they want it)?  Generally, when we use the term "elderly" we ever to older fools who may not have the strength or stamina of others (really, I know some pushing 80 that are stronger than most dudes in their 20s) - do you see women the same way?

Doesn't it occur to you that a male could be just as much dead on their feet as a woman, and just needs to sit down on that long trip home?  Why should a man who has been working on his feet all day at a deli have to give up his seat to a woman who is just starting her day?  Why is that same man any different than a woman who has been on her feet all day working at a retail store?  Aren't their efforts equal - a long day on their feet?  Regardless of gender, if you are refreshed and getting your day started, and you see someone get on the train that you can tell was on their feet for hours (or is frazzled our looks like their feet are generally killing them), maybe, as a person, you should consider letting that person have your seat - whether it be a man or a woman.  Chivalry is about generosity and mercy - why is it limited to showing those traits to women?  Why couldn't a man do something similar for another man?  Or a female for another female? 

SN:  You offer me your seat just because I am a female, and I will squarely turn your ass down.  If you offer it to me because you can tell I am beat and need to take a load off, whether you are male or female, I will be gracious regardless of whether I take you up on your offer.

I am in no way saying dudes shouldn't do these things - they will certainly get you points when you first start dating or are stuck in the doghouse - but why should they be the only one held to this standard?  Doing all of these things, all of the time, can sometimes take the level of "courtesy" to the next level of giving her a sense of helplessness.  Both men and women in a relationship need to find that happy medium - for themselves and their relationship. 

This also needs to happen in society in general. If I'm at work, I don't expect, nor do I want, to see men carrying out acts of chivalry. We work together, we are professionals, and me being female should not mean I'm treated differently. Standing around waiting for the men in front of me to get on the elevator, only to have them step aside and defer until I walk to the front of the crowd to get on first because I'm a lady, is so goddam annoying. Don't make me parade through the crowd - GET ON THE DAMN ELEVATOR.

Find a balance, guys, and don't be dicks. Let's treat everyone right - and reserve special acts of chivalry for sporadic brownie points. Don't let gender decide who does it or expects to see it.

Promotion! New agency! And I am freaking out!

ICYMI: I got a new job.  I have been with OGS as an Agency Labor Rep since May.  I accepted a promotion at the Department of Environmental Conservation as an Agency Labor Rep 2. It is a small office - it is an ALR3 and me (and a Director who oversees other things).... And. So. I. Am. Freaking. Out.

Back during the interview process, this was the first interview where NONE of the cookie cutter questions that college and our future-grooming tried to prepare us for were asked.  The questions were all about my experience - a bit of a surprise for me.  Before this, promotions were a natural progression and changing fields was a new experience where my skills was all I needed (and not necessarily subject matter knowledge).  But, now, I am expected to know what the hell I am doing, and do it at a higher level. I have been in the Labor Relations field for 9 months, and during the interview I realized how much stuff I actually DID and that I actually (kinda) knew what I was doing. 

It is invigorating and unnerving, scary and exhilarating.  I know I can do the job, and I know I will be good at it because I like what I do, but this is the moment where adulthood actually slaps you in the face.  No panic, but clear anxiety that will pass once I walk in there the first day.  Charismatic, goofy, ridiculous Becca will arrive and knock their socks off.  Maybe the best thing I have going for me is that I can openly admit that I am feeling this, because I don't know if 25  year old Becca would have been able to.

Emotions or feelings of uneasiness or anxiety are not a sign of weakness - just find a way to harness them and turn it into positive energy and motivation to kick ass at whatever you need to face.  So, all you crazy kids out there, embrace whatever emotions you are having, conquer the fear, confront the anxiety and turn it into a power play.

So- I am going to ninja kick this job!

Friday the 14th

Yes, Friday is February 14th... VALENTINE'S DAY! I call Singles Appreciation Day, because why not? Do I care about it? Personally not really, but VDay always means:

Marathon of Valentine/love/rom-com/dramas on every goddam channel. Do they bother me? Nah*. Annoying, yes. They are the same as any other themed marathon, and I'll be honest, the only marathons I truly embrace are TCM's 31 Days of Oscar and baseball related movies.

(*Caveat: there are certain things that bother me, of which I'll explain below.)

Then there's all the "buy her this...." commercials, from jewelry to teddy bears to chocolate to lingerie. A bit ridiculous that only the women should accept gifts or that men are the only ones that fret over VDay gifts. I'm a non romantic doof, I'd have no idea what to get. But, I put up with the commercials- it's a business, man, go make yo' money on a holiday.

But, the holiday always brings out some of the ridiculous, like articles or ads about "how to catch a guy" or "how to make him stick around" or "YOU NEED A MAN." Well, maybe not worded directly like that, but you get the point.

First, no one "needs" a partner; a partner is someone you find that completes you, and you shouldn't settle for anything less.  If you want to find your mate via dating sites, etc. more power to ya, but if you are good just how you are, keep doing you.

Anything beyond "be yourself" shouldn't be on any list on how to snare/keep a mate. By pretending to be someone else or taming your personality can lead to a rude awakening when the real you comes out. I'm not talking about in a fight or whatever, I'm talking about everyday you. I was told to temper my baseball/football passion/knowledge when I first met a guy, but that's part of who I am. Why should I leave out such a big part of my personality? If you can't handle it, bro, I'm not a girl for you.

Then we get to the movies that are promoted where "finding a mate" is the end all, be all, and life isn't worth living or is incomplete without "love" and someone needs to be rescued or save the other. Not everyone needs to be rescued, or be the knight in shining armor; people don't necessarily need a partner to make life complete. Are facets of this real? Sure. Everyone wants a fairy tale- just make sure it's your own, and you are true to yourself. Give me movies like "The Muppets" or "Love Actually" or "Pride and Prejudice" that portray complicated people and relationships, and strong, but flawed, characters (both men and women). Show me people that find the perfect complement, regardless of their issues, without compromise because they realize they don't need a man (or woman).

So, in conclusion, Eliza Bennett 4 lyfe.