Living someone else's life or dying alone.

I am afraid of dying alone.  And I don't mean I will have never gotten married or had kids or a dog or even at least a long term "partner".  I mean where everyone has left me behind - or maybe I left them behind.

I do most things in my life alone - go to the movies, go away for weekends, check out baseball games, go shopping, go to concerts, etc - whereas most others have a plus one to do that with.  I enjoy my independence - my rules are the only ones that need to be followed, on my time, in my way.  I have always been independent, but I think maybe my extreme take on it lately is the combination of missing out on stuff when I first moved to Albany alone (and I wasn't as bold about doing e'erything on my own), realizing that I don't want the world to pass me by, or the fact that I was in a relationship where I felt handcuffed into believing it wasn't OK to do things alone (you were a couple, you did things as a couple) - especially after I moved in.

I am not second guessing my decision to just go and do it - regardless of whether I am alone or not.  But, I am thinking about what that may lead to down the road.  Can I ever coexist again?  What about all of those people in my life (ahem, pretty much all of them) who have that attachment to people - spouses, kids, whatever - where does that leave me with them?  The way I see it now, I'm on the outside, and it won't get any different in the future. That is something I have chosen to do.

I am not going to apologizing for living - after all, life's a banquet and most poor suckers are starving to death!  Why should I starve myself because others are anorexic?

But, where are the others?  It is like I am the only one out there - I am the last of the single girls.  So, I will keep on living, and see where the road goes.  But, I must recognize that the road I am taking may be alone.  At least I lived, and shared it with those who wanted to take that adventure with me.  But, I lived MY life - no one else's.

Is there really an ideal guy for me? Only if he wears a uniform.

While at the Nats game last weekend with some of the college posse, and following several beers, the question was raised about what is my "ideal guy?" (Really, the question was, "if we were husband hunting, what type of guy would you look for?")  I had no idea how to answer that.  Then I thought about my past, who I was happiest with and what others have said about me - I need someone in uniform.  Whether it is a member of the military or an athlete, those type of people make me happy (I was once happiest with someone who was both at one point).  And I am not saying the mission of athletes is anywhere near what our military does, but merely on the surface, there are similarities.

My girlfriend's response was: "You're the type of person who is OK letting the dude have the spotlight, I'm not."  I disagree - I think I am the type of person that is the accompanying spotlight... I can magnify the spotlight... be the burnt orange to their chicago maroon.  I love being the center of attention (generally), but I also enjoy being able to get someone I love into the spotlight, or to make their lives better.  I would love being that woman they come home to, who has kept their lives together, worked her tail off, and kept on trucking while they were out doing their jobs.  And, I don't think it has much to do with the spotlight, but more of a mentality.  Athletes and military men are similar - must abide by a schedule, a physical fitness requirement, dedication to the mission/winning, and personal and team responsibility in their work.  I am by no means a perfect physical specimen and I love my junk food, but I think my personality accompanies these type of requirements - I love to work out, I can't sit still, and I love cheering for my boys (whether they be my sports boys or our soldiers).  I can't deal with someone plopping on the couch (high or otherwise), unless it was to watch their work (ergo, sitting and watching games).  I can be someone's personal cheerleader, and still be strong and independent (and be me).

Maybe it is the Annie Savoy in me.

So, Justin Turner, Ike Davis, DW... gimme a call.

When you come to a fork in the road - take it.

As I wrapped up my trip to VA, I realized that I am on a much different track than other people in my life.  At first I thought many of those around these parts were living in the past - surrounding themselves with people from high school, and having lives revolve around their kids. They just didn't seem like they were moving forward, but staying stagnant.  Then, I realized - I am more the one living in the past.  I am still living the single life even as I push 30.  I don't have a boyfriend, nor do I want one.  I don't have kids, and I sure as hell don't want them now.  I still rent and do many things on my own - because I can. 

I took a fork in the road and I took it.  I could have decided that I wanted to stay for that him, get married and pop out babies (because I knew he wouldn't leave with me).  I could have pushed to fix that relationship in grad school, but I thought it would slow me (and him) down (and we were dysfunctional, but that's another story).  I could have given in alot more to that certain kid in order to make it easier for him, but then that just wouldn't be me. So now he has a gf that feels "respected and loved" - I can either say "you're welcome" or realize that maybe her definition of respect and love are very different from mine. And if that's the case, I feel sorry for her. 

That was the fork I took - I demand the world in return for my life plan to change.  Until you can offer me that, I am not going to budge.  Those people that took the other fork appeared to have gotten their "world" or at least followed their game plan.  They dreamed of a husband and kids when they were growing up, I dreamed of a being a powerful career woman changing the world and livin' it up.  Forever.  The only reason I would think about getting married would be the awesome party I wanted to throw; the only kids I thought that may live with me would be the kids who came to visit me for the summer.  I guess that's the road I am on for now.  Well, probably forever. 

Just because people's idea of the 'world' or their acceptance of the 'world' they were faced with is different than mine, doesn't mean they are going in circles or idling, they just took a different fork.

I took mine.

Orange. Blue. No-No.

Hi57ory, The Kid, and Some Angels... Our first no no

Common Courtesy - Beach, Ballpark, and Bums

I mean, seriously, what the hell happened to it?  Common courtesy comes in different forms - from strangers, to colleagues, to (former) loved ones.

If you walk into someone accidentally on the street, say "sorry" - or at least offer an "oops, my bad."  I went to three Mets games this weekend - and it was awesome. Of course there is going to be bumping, and walking into people, and cutting in front of people - these things happen because of the layout, the number of people (kids and adults alike), excitement, etc.  All it takes to resolve that is an "excuse me."  Sometimes, even a smile and a nod would suffice - some sort of action saying, "hey, I wasn't trying to be douche-y, and we are all trying to make our way to our seats or the bathroom or the hot dog stand."  And all is well again in the world of common decency. Most ballpark goers share this sentiment, and do their best to avoid unnecessary walking/bumping errors.  And, it was my observation the people clad in Yankees garb had the biggest sense of entitlement to walk everywhichdirection without acknowledging their fellow baseball lovers (even though those dopes probably weren't baseball lovers anyway).

Then, there are the beachgoers.  Really, most of these people have no sense of common courtesy, and have no idea of personal space and impact on other beachgoers.  Yes, there is sand everywhere; and yes, the wind blows; and yes, when you walk sand gets kicked up.  But, you have to teach your kids to at least ATTEMPT to go around my blanket... and, you know, sometimes the kids aren't even the worst.  God forbid you have to walk in front of someone and forego holding hands with your manpiece for the .5 seconds it takes to go around someone's blanket - OR THE PERSON. Some clown pretty much kicked sand directly on me as I was sitting in my chair.  Yes, I am a clutz and I walk in random angles (they are still technically straight lines), but at least I make an effort to avoid disrupting other people's spaces.  And sometimes I do accidentally kick sand on someone's blanket, but I turn around, acknowledge my oops, and carry on with my day.  If they want to stay mad, fine, that's their beef, but I at least acknowledge my fumble.

You are teaching kids it is OK to be inconsiderate of other people's space and are giving them a heightened sense of entitlement - yea, that's a winning lesson for life.

Speaking of fumbles, there were many beachgoers tossing around balls and frisbees - and I was on the dividing line of one end.  A ball or two bopped my way (from 2 different groups) - they ran over, apologized, made a joke about their lack of athleticism and then attempted to make an adjustment in their throwing angle/power/whatever.  That's all we ask - an attempt and being considerate of your fellow folks trying to enjoy the sunshine as much as you.

If you shared your life with someone at some point (especially a recent "some point"), and an event occurs (where that person would be impacted by it in some way - emotionally, physically, morally) - whether it be tragic or otherwise - it is common decency to call (or text or email) that person to let them know what happened.  Regardless of the state of your relationship, the phone should have been picked up - some effort should have been made to contact that person directly.  Finding out second or third hand (or reading it online) is just inappropriate and inexcusable.  Maybe it all goes back to the cowardice thing.

We are all sharing this trip around the sun - so why not be a bit more courteous to make the ride more fun?

Awesomeness Begats More Awesomeness

In about 5 months, I will turn 30; to celebrate I am having a countdown to 30 of bad ass adventures. I'm doing things that I haven't done before and crossing them off the bucket list - skydiving, Vegas, paramotoring, seeing Madonna in concert, seeing BRRUUUUUUCE (did that in April), ziplining down a mountain, Ireland, etc.

And, as I ponder what is to come, I think about all the things I have done that many don't get the chance to:

• I have lived in many different places: Long Island, rural upstate NY, Chesterfield, Blacksburg, Newark, and Albany. All very different - all are me in their own way. All have shaped me.
• I have up and moved on my own for myself - twice. First to Newark for grad school, then up to Albany for work. I recommend everyone have this type of experience at least once.  You learn who you are, how to survive alone, and you find out who you really are.
• I have been apart of JROTC, ROTC, VTCC - all of which have allowed me to meet amazing people and do awesome things. One thing JROTC specifically did for me was give me my voice - it showed me something I was good at and brought me out of my shell. I was quiet and fairly introverted until 9th grade. I gained confidence and a platform - thus opening the door to who I could be.
• I rappelled off 30, 40 and 60 foot walls; I jumped off a helicopter skid. I shot an M-16 on semi-automatic.  I got to wake kids up at 5am with Enter Sandman or Welcome to the Jungle reverberating through Old Rasche.  And I did this with some amazing people - my fellow Hokies, my buds, my fellow Hotel and Foxtrot members.  Nothing will replace them or those experiences we had together.
• Speaking of Enter Sandman, do you get the urge to start jumping when you hear it? I do - thanks to Lane Stadium and my Hokies. I've hit the Hokie stone in the tunnel, rushed the field, seen my Hokies win the ACC in its first year of membership (in Miami), and taken over Miami and Jacksonville with thousands of fellow Hokies.
• I walked down the side of an 18-story building to raise dough for the Special Olympics.
• I've had the best boyfriend - New York. Even with my absence when I moved south, he was always loyal. I've seen Conan's and Jimmy Fallon's shows, been on the Today Show (after discussing leather pants with Kenny Chesney's guitar player), ridden the Central Park carousel, walked across the Brooklyn Bridge... I could go on.
• I remember the World Trade Center before 2001, and even before 1993. I saw the Towers from all angles - from Jersey and Staten Island, from uptown and Battery Park.
• I experienced great sporting events - I was at the last day of Shea, saw John Maine take a no no to the 8th, taken people to their first professional baseball and football games, met Darryl Strawberry, bonded with Mr. Met, braved ice to see the Jets the day after Christmas on MNF.
• I marched on the field for the halftime performance of the Peach Bowl in Atlanta.
• I have seen amazing concerts - I've hopped fences to meet Dierks Bentley, jumped on stage to say hi to the Murphys, gotten setlists from various shows, roadtripped to Bristol, DC, Philly, NC, etc with amazing people to catch shows.
• I've had the joy of being Aunt Becca to amazing kiddos - and we've only just begun.
• I've been to a strip club in West Virginia; this wouldn't be at the top of the "awesomeness" pile, but I can say that I did it, and a lot of people probably haven't.
• I have ridden on the back of a Harley.  I am not going to say how I ended up on the back of said Harley with this certain individual, but it was pretty sweet.
• I have loved and been loved completely; it may not have lasted, and it was only for a short while a long time ago, but it happened. Make sure you find that kind of love - don't settle.  And I haven't.

The Way We Were

Your girl is lovely, Hubbell.
I don't get it.
And you never will.

I posted that on FB recently, and was asked why so many women identify with this movie (SN: this set of lines is from "Sex and the City's" reference to the film).  I gave a brief summation to that initial question, and it got me thinking about all the ins and outs of my answers - so I figured expanding my response may clear things up.  I will put a caveat in there - find a summary of the flick (IMDB has a pretty good one) so you can understand what the heck I am talking about.  Also, I am not "men bashing" here - I am using he vs. she as it relates to characters in the movie.  I identify more with the she - but there are just as many men who may fall into this category.

Many of us see ourselves in Katie: uncompromising, strong-willed, independent, pushy (in the "get off your ass" or "you aren't living up to your potential" kind of way), and outspoken.  But, we are also giving and loving; we yearn for what "could be" or "should be" with a little elbow grease. We can be vulnerable and lonely, because we sometimes alienate ourselves or can be too intense for people around us (or for our own good). We people on pedestals or view someone in their "ideal" state (or basically, the way they should be when they actually live up to their potential or allow themselves to be good people).

Often, people (men) can't handle this type of personality; I think it is that they just don't want to deal with it - it is too hard for them.  They can't handle challenges - whether it is in a relationship or life.  It is work (Easy? Maybe easier than the Hundred Years War!) to them, but in reality all it takes is a little effort. There is an expectation that things should fall in their favor, in whatever manner they feel it should go. The amount of effort each puts into life is similar to the effort they are willing to put into a relationship before it meets that awful threshold of becoming "work."  Those who put minimal effort into their every day life or have that sense of expectations, will put in minimal efforts toward working on a relationship before they squirm their way out of it because it is "too much work."  She puts effort into her life every day - changing the world, educating society, changing herself, wanting more out of life and going for it - and she expects that her relationships would be no different.  She also expects the other person in a relationship (friends, lovers, family) to put in that same kind of effort, and when they don't it just boggles her (and she often lets them know it). 

Some will take the easy way - Hubbell stuck with writing screenplays rather than writing that glorious novel that Katie wanted  him to do, and she knew he could do.  When things get too much or too sour, they find ways to go "the easy way out" - whether it is sleeping with an ex-girlfriend as Hubbell did (while Katie was pregnant), or maybe just continually driving her away, or just not even attempting to be human to someone.  But, they will never pull the trigger and just end it - because they are afraid? Because they know they were wrong? Because they are too selfish? Because they know what they are losing or have already lost? So, they allow the strong pushy one to take the reins, as usual, and end it.  They drive her away until she does it, because they know she will.  They quit because it is too much work to fix it or end it themselves.

And, she knows that it probably wouldn't have worked - but she won't know for sure because there was no effort, no confirmation that they both fought the good fight to the bitter end.  She feels she gave everything she had, and Hubbell just shacked up with someone new because it simply wouldn't work.  Katie moved on, got married to a man who was a great dad to Rachel; Hubbell still wrote screenplays and had a new lady-friend on his arm.  "Your girl is lovely, Hubbell."  Katie offers to meet for drinks, but he can't do it.  There's that moment....

In the end we yearn for the consolation prize of knowing that he has realized that she is the best thing that has ever happened to him - and she is probably the only one who could or would ever love him fully... not necessarily for what he is, but for what he really truly could be.  No one else would challenge him like she did, or attempt to make him a better person like she would.  But, he also knew she wouldn't stick around unless he made changes, or penance, or became a the person he should become. He probably wanted to. He just couldn't get out of his own way - or get off his ass.

Reflections on 1-29: Thoughts on life to a younger me (or anyone else younger than me)

• Finishing school and getting a "real" job doesn't mean you have to "be a grown up" or grow up. Just become more responsible and mature.  
• Be conscious of your body, but don't be self-conscious.
• It is OK to cry and be sad, or angry or depressed - but you must acknowledge and identify it before you can move past it.
• HIDE YOUR DEBIT CARD WHEN YOU ARE DRINKING. Put some cash in pocket and limit how much dough you spend.
• Find the laughter in everything (including yourself).  Even a bad day, a bad haircut, or a bad boyfriend (the laughter usually comes after the break up, but it will happen).  
• Life is gonna suck once in a while.  OK, more than once in a while.  But, you do your best to fix it, acknowledge what happened, accept it, learn from it - and come out stronger and smiling (or in my case, giggling).  You may be battered and bruised, but you can make it all better with a smile. Keep calm and carry on.
• You are not going to look like those models in YM, Seventeen, whatever.  Accept the genes you are dealt, work to stay healthy, and own your body.
• Don't ever be ashamed of having a vulnerable moment - we are allowed one or two.  Don't overcompensate for it. Allow yourself to be the damsel in distress once in a while.  Trying to be too strong can make you weaker.
• Some days it's a bitch, it's a bummer - you need a rock'n'roll show in the summer. Escape reality, even for a hot minute.
• Life usually won't live up to your daydreams - and that's OK.  We all want and deserve the fairy tale (or the rom com).  Even though it may not go as planned, you may still get that fairy tale happy ending.  And if you don't, make your own.
• A song can be your best friend, your worst enemy or the key to a memory.  Or eventually it will be all 3.  Cherish each one.
• Your body is your own.  Don't sleep with that dude/chick just because you want to keep him around/please him/whatever... but, if you have the desire to shack up with him/her with no strings attached, then be safe, and do your thing.  Don't let your ownership (and safe use) of your sexuality label you a "slut" or "floozy" or whatever else they will call out. It is your body, your choice - take care of it. Don't be ashamed.  I am in no way promoting promiscuity or unsafe recreation, but I am promoting personal decisions, and these situations should be no different - as long as you take the appropriate precautions.
• Don't be afraid to let your whole heart go. No matter the pain you may have felt before, nothing hurts more than losing someone because you were afraid to go all in, or because you were afraid they would hurt you too.  After vetting, let them in.
• Wear sunscreen.  Seriously.  Sun poisoning sucks.
• Go do things by yourself - it is perfectly OK to see a concert, catch a flick, see a ballgame alone.  The only person you have to decide with is yourself; you can get there when you please; you don't have to worry about sharing popcorn or soda; you can sneak into different seats; you aren't pressured to leave early/get there late.  Whatever. And, you can make friends.
• If someone burns you, it is ok to forgive and give them one more chance (if they are deemed worthy).  They do it again, that means it was more than a lapse in judgement or a mistake, and they are not worth the time. 
• You may feel the stab of jealousy once in a while.  And that is OK, but don't let it consume you.  Suck it up and realize that you are better than they are.
• Stay true and loyal to those who share those views, and are true and loyal to you.  The definition of loyalty may seem muddled at times, but you will know.  If people don't have your back, they are not worth your time - no matter how "cool" or "hot" or "popular" they may be.  They won't be there in the end.
• It is OK to be a "nerd" about whatever you geek out about - baseball, comics, movies, music.  Embrace it, own it, be it.  
• Seek and ye shall find.

My Mix Tape

I love mix tapes (or, now, playlists). They capture specific emotions or moments. Perfect football tailgating tunes. Concert prep tunes. Breakup tunes. Memories of clubbin' in college tunes (aka Kicks Remix). Windows down, sunshine tunes. Whatever.

I used to make mix tapes for people, especially in college (they made great gifts). I made them for select special boys in my life.  They don't have to be 'new' songs, just songs for a moment or memory in that time. I like to think of John Cusack (the AMAZING John Cusack) in "High Fidelity" when I work up my mix tapes.

The last year has been a rollercoaster. Lots of great times, some sadness. And, just like every other time in my life, there was a soundtrack. So, my 2011-2012 Becca Mix Tape:

'Love Done Gone' by Billy Currington - how I felt early last summer, before it all settled in.

'Springsteen' by Eric Church - after seeing a certain Jersey boy recently, and talking about that Jeep... a melody feels like a memory. A timely tune.

'Colors' by Grace Potter and the Nocturnals - her soulful, pure voice brings color to my world.

'Seventy Times Seven' by Brand New - the pain of realizing that someone is a coward and a quitter, and the pain you want to inflict so they hurt like you did.

'Hell On Heels' by Pistol Annies - because he made me pretty, he made me smart, and I'm gonna break me a million hearts.


'Into the Mystic' by Van Morrison as covered by ZBB - it fills me with hope for whatever reason. Maybe that there is someone to rock my gypsy soul.


'Please Come To Boston' generally, Kenny Chesney's version - because there ain't no gold and there ain't nobody like me. And I'm a ramblin' girl who won't settle down.

'I Would Do Anything For You' by Foster the People - a great, fun, non-sappy-sounding love song by a great band. Who needs a significant other to share it with? It puts a smile on my face. I had to pick one song from this album, so I went with this one.  And I like to air keyboard.

'Homeboy' by Eric Church - yup, he reappears, especially since this tune hits a soft spot. I generally don't think 2 songs from the same artist (and same album) should appear on the same mix tape, but this is a special exception.

'One and Only' by Adele - 21 was an album about a 'rubbish relationship' as she tells it.  Every song on this album is powerful and amazing - I could include every one on this mix tape.  But, this song for me is a song of redemption.  I hope someone will dare me to give my heart up, and I could do it. I think the song also captures the range of power and desire of her voice.

Nana +5

I was planning on doing this last month on the anniversary of her death, but I think it is more appropriate now since my family is planning our annual trek to the cemetery and celebration this coming weekend.

That Friday morning in 2007 when my mother called to tell me that Nana had passed - the morning before our family was going to trek to Atlantic City to say our goodbyes - was a beautiful day in Newark, and I was getting ready to head out the door to work, preparing for the celebration to be had with her the next day (along with the tearful goodbyes), but that didn't happen.  I like to think that she decided to pass before we all got there to either a) save us the sadness; or b) have one last chuckle to herself before going out. I like to think it was a combination of both.  I skipped work and just crawled into bed; I thought about all the amazing memories I had with her and Boppy.

And, as I thought about then, and even more so now, I realize that we were all robbed of so many years of great memories because of her disease.  Yes, she was there, but her witty (or wise ass) comments, guidance, and laughter were slower and fewer between because she couldn't physically say the it.  And while her facial expression always said it, we rarely heard "Oh honey" in that very maternal, very loving, voice that only she had.  Then it became more of a heartache to see her like that - I didn't want to remember her like that.  I think that is why I didn't go see her solo as much as I should have - I was selfish, and I just couldn't bring myself to do it.  I needed support from others - support that she usually gave me. So, I would wait for the rest of the family, and go with them.  I have a picture of all my aunts and uncles, with Nana and Boppy, the last time we were all there the summer before she died, sitting on my bookshelf.  My living room wall is also adorned with pictures of Nana and I sitting at the table of 117 doing inventory - both with our giant adding machines and papers; walking along the boardwalk with my Kid Sister in my stroller; me and Jimmy out front of Lucy with her; walking home one Easter Sunday down Center Ave. in my mini-pea coat and saddle shoes.

One of the greatest things I learned from her is to have empathy for other people.  Not sympathy - where you "feel sorry" for them - but being able to put yourself in their shoes and "feel their pain." That is true key to compassion and love.  The other is to make decisions for you (not your husband, parents, or whomever - for you) and to back them up with logic, feelings, and truth; to stick by your guns and fight the good fight for something (or someone) you believe in; to evolve. Well, OK, there's a lot of things I learned from her.  If only we had her to impart these things on other people; somehow I don't think we are as effective.  I will say that I am very lucky to have a wonderful aunt fill in for her in times of crisis, and the last few years have certainly brought up times of crisis; I just hope I can have that impact on someone, or at least an opportunity to impart that knowledge on someone in the future, and they actually heed it.

I would have loved to have her been able to dance at Erik and Jimmy's weddings (and whatever other ones may be coming up); give a stern talking to to Keith; tell my brothers to GO READ A BOOK because they are bored; meet Little Dude; see Melissa and I finish graduate school; dance around the kitchen to Lady Gaga or Kenny Chesney or Taylor Swift or Katy Perry or anything post-TLC's "Waterfalls;" to argue politics with her some more (I am sure she is rolling over in her grave over my bleeding-heart liberal stances; but I think she would be proud of me for making logical, articulate arguments and standing up for what I believe in). I would have loved to have been able to crawl up next to her for a hug last spring and summer when my heart was breaking for so many months as I fought to make things work. Just have her hug me, then give me some inspirational kick in the ass to keep calm and carry on.  Or hear her words of strength and wisdom after that dreadful April 16th, just a few weeks after we lost her.

But, we don't have that luxury.  We do have the memories she gave us, and rely on her strength even though she isn't here.  So, even now, 5 years later, I sometimes still feel lost without her.  We must find strength in our memories of her, pick ourselves up by our bootstraps and carry on; we reach out to others; we fight for what we believe in - we fight the good fight.   And, by doing that, we keep her memory alive. Put that in your pipe and smoke it.

Peace With Inches

We all have to fight our way back into the light - we can climb out of hell.  One inch at a time.

As I was out for my walk yesterday, my "Hotel Hazing" mix playlist came on - starting with the Peace With Inches speech, to Firestarter, to Welcome to the Jungle, to Enter Sandman, to Let the Bodies Hit the Floor.  In the climatic series of events in "Any Given Sunday", Al Pacino's coach gives an awesome inspiring speech to his team. You can find it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qQUBq2blgjU and http://www.justsomelyrics.com/910133/Any-Given-Sunday-Peace-With-Inches-Lyrics

Before our Hotel initiation, this was played before breaking into "Firestarter" to kick of a night of hazing. And it was great.  The speech is an inspiration, a memory and a piece of me for many reasons.  I know that all of those guys who did that with me are always there, no matter how long it has been since we have seen or spoke.  The same goes for all the kids who came after us.


That's part of life. But you only learn that when you start losing stuff. You find out life's this game of inches.

I found myself identifying with it in a new way as I get older.  It isn't about me and my buds getting through freshman year to initiation, it wasn't about getting pumped for a football game, it wasn't about getting amped to do unto others as they did unto us, it wasn't about saying goodbye after graduation to the people who clawed with you, it wasn't about looking back on some great memories with great people.  It was about surrounding myself with people who view life like I do, enjoying the ride with them, being there for them (and them me) and if they don't - then they can "die as individuals."

We claw with our fingernails for that inch. Because we know when we add up all those inches, that's gonna make the f#@*ing difference between winning and losing! Between living and dying!

Things were topsy turvy lately - adjustment, 518 nothing to do winter, realizations, reverting back, change, solo single gal.  Everyone has an "off" time in their life, whatever it may be.  It's what you do after you realize you are in your own "hell."  But, every inch forward is a step forward.  We don't sit at home and wallow in our sorrow - we giddy on up and live life.  Live! Live! Live!  It sometimes get darker before it gets lighter, but you claw, and dig for that inch closer and closer to the light.  But, we don't realize that sometimes we find ourselves in that "hell" because the guy next to you - whether it is friends, significant other, family - decides not to claw with you.  He won't go that inch with you. Even though you would do the same for him.  And that is, at times, what digs us deeper and deeper down.  You expect teammates to dig and claw with you.  Then they don't.

And I know if I'm going to have any life anymore, it's because I'm still willing to fight and die for that inch.

They don't believe in fighting with the guy next to him, whomever it may be, to dig back into the light.  But, we refuse to accept people like that in our lives.  Al Pacino would have kicked his sorry ass out of the locker room.  And, we have to decide whether we are going to do the same.  We pick ourselves up, look in the mirror and re-evaluate the teammates in our lives.  Are they worth clawing for?  Are you worth their help?

When we find out that they are either too scared, weak, or lousy to claw with you - we must allow them to dig their own hole and we start clawing ourselves out.   It may be hard.  But, that's a choice we have to make.

We must climb out one inch at a time, and do it with the guy next to you.  If they claw with you.

Now, what are you going to do?  
I'm a firestarter.  Terrific firestarter.

The Evolution of the Good Fight

Generally we all know time will allow the truth to come out, and will also heal all wounds.  We find the truth in why or how things happens, and what the motivations are.  Sometimes it takes days or weeks; maybe sometimes months or years.  Or it takes a specific separate, but related event, to trigger the unveiling of the truth.  I have found that a lot of the roller coaster emotion that people face often relate to whether they or those around them are willing to fight the good fight.  Fight or flight?

I feel that over the past however long I went all the way - fought the good fight.  Nothing different that what I do in every area of my life - no half-assing, fighting the good fight, don't quit until all avenues have been attempted (I mean, I instigated a holy war with some members of my family because of something I believe in - can't wait for Christmas!).  There are clearly times when you give it all and it won't change; so you accept, adapt and overcome.  But, that should come at the end of the good fight - not before or during.  To the death (and you don't against a Sicilian when death is on the line). 

Obviously, not everyone has that approach, whether personally or professionally, and while that boggles my mind, it is something that I must accept. Judge me if you will, but I believe that not fighting the good fight is a symbol of cowardice - whether they are afraid of facing reality, facing the truth, or facing their fear. My preachiness and attempt to enlighten can only go so far when it comes to that.  But, I really don't think that's what it is - willing to "go the distance" should not be something that only a select few believe in, but a quality that makes a good leader, a good person, a good friend; taking the easy walk doesn't make you a better person.

I admit that maybe I wasn't always like this - I was afraid.  I had to learn that sometimes giving up on the good fight is worse and more painful than facing that fear.  I was probably used to people around me giving up, so I thought that was the way it went - a father who gave up and decided that I wasn't his kid (when I was 16 and stood up for myself, albeit I stood up for myself with a bit of spazziness as a 16 year old would); a stepfather who bailed on 5 of us.  It took me losing people, things, etc in order to figure out that everything important to you is worth fighting for.  I know I broke hearts and disappointed people, but I was lucky enough to learn that before I was ushered into real, post-college adulthood (because, really, "grown-up" doesn't start until you leave the awesomeness of a college environment).

When people give up on something they believe in, they care for, whatever, that ends with other people involved feeling used or abused.  Certainly unworthy.  Sometimes people just need to know they are worth fighting for.  So, we accept, adapt and overcome the fact that there are people like that.  No matter how painful it is, some people just don't believe in the good fight; they would rather take the easy road.  Their loss.

Becca and the Fragile Girl

As someone who is the perpetually single girl without an attentive boyfriend, and has more than most male friends, some of whom are single (or, at some point during our acquaintance, I knew them when they were single).  Certain types of girls can have a profound affect on the behaviors of most single males, and when they infiltrate groups, things change.  Such girls may be labeled as:

• Fragile
• Girly
• Not balls to the wall
• Quiet
• Pretty
• "The girls who end sentences with the voice influx like they are asking a question"
• Prissy

I have found that when males get around these types of girls (we will simply refer to them as girls in the post), they totally do a 180 in their personality, become overly attentive to such girls, and seem to all but forget about the other females in the periphery - mainly, those of us who do not fit into these descriptions, or could otherwise be more appropriately tagged as "broads" or "chicks" (in my vernacular, and will refer to them as chicks in this post). Such males literally completely reverse their previous inclinations.  The girl could be standing there in a long sleeve shirt, and they would willingly give the shirt off their back if she were to give the slightest hint of being chilly (not cold, chilly).  While, the other chicks standing around are in short sleeves and just as chilly (or probably more so because she was in short sleeves).  These chicks have even walked away, and the guys don't even notice she was missing because they were so smitten with the fragile girl. I am not saying the chicks needed the shirt or that it should have been offered to her (if she was really that cold she could have asked for it), but I am simply pointing out the fact that these boys rushed to make sure these fragile girls are comfortable/safe/whatever without the consideration of the other chick. I've given my jacket to a dude before b/c he was a wuss and was cold (not chilly, cold), so that is not nearly the point.

What is this fascination?  Is it the fact that it is not something that they see everyday so they are just totally infatuated with a girly girl?  I mean, if you were looking for a girly girl, why would you be hanging out with a chick?  For serious.

In case you didn't realize it, chicks have the same body parts that these girls do - and, don't tell me that chicks don't show off their assets.  We just don't take an hour flat ironing our hair every day or speak in quiet tones or keep our opinions to ourselves.  We may not act "feminine" by conventional definition - we love sports, we can discuss any action flick, we don't take crap from people, we tell it like it is, etc - but we are girls.  Just because we are brash and ballsy, doesn't mean we don't embrace our girl power (and in my opinion, I don't think girly girls really embrace their girl power, but their fragile femininity - big difference). We may not wear dresses, but we like jeans that make our asses look good, or tops that indicate DefCom3.  We are our own kind of feminine - the kick-ass, ballsy type.  Not the fragile feminine type. So what is the obsession with the girly, pink-loving, fragile kind?

I am not a second class citizen.

I am a female.


I am a woman.

Second class citizenship means having others tell you what to do with your body and life. It is what happens when I am forced to live with decisions of others, because I don't have the tools to protect myself or make those decision, because others don't want me to have them.  Second class citizenship also means not having support from anyone for equal pay for equal work.


And in case you don't realize, by throwing everything you have against a bill/policy/program that restricts a groups' access to basic healthcare and preventative medicine, like contraception, you are creating a group of second class citizens.  You are requiring my care to be held hostage by my employer and/or insurance plan, as I can't just swap out my job or insurance.  This program will protect my rights to care so my employer/insurance can't dick me over.  It can't fully protect us from be shamed for making our decisions, but at least we can make them.

Just because:
I take the pill... I am not a second class citizen.
I had more than one sexual partner... I am not a second class citizen.
I may like to go out and drink, and get a little crazy... I am not a second class citizen.
I may have a one-night stand... I am not a second class citizen.
I want to protect myself from pregnancy... I am not a second class citizen.
I may have spurts of being a "dirty slut" in between long term monogamous relationships... I am not a second class citizen.
I don't have a penis... I am not a second class citizen.
We had to fight for our right to vote, have a voice, inherit what is ours, work in certain professions, go to certain schools, etc.... I am not a second class citizen (now).
I decided to have a baby out of wedlock and I am the dreaded "single mother"... I am not a second class citizen.

I am not a second class citizen because:
Unless, you pulled a Minerva, I am the one who carries your children, not men.
I am the one forced to ensure there is population control (with or without the pill), not men.
I am the one who physically lives with the consequences of sex, not men.
I control what happens with my body, no one else should.
I decide who I have sex with, and when, no one else.
I don't hear any outcry against men having vasectomies, and that "stops" life just as much as the pill.
No one questions how much sex a man has, why should you question mine, and what protections I should have.
As long as the sex I have (or any one has) is consensual, you have no business concerning yourself with it.
I am taking precautions to protect myself when I do decide to have sex, so let me do it.
I probably have more balls than most "men" do.
Men just have to slap on a rubber or time it, and that's all the "birth control" they worry about, I am the one who wants to protect myself (and my partner).
We had to fight for the right to do a lot of things, and we won't stop.
I am amazing.
I will change the world.

'I'm a woman, I like men. If that means I'm not “lady-like”, then I guess I'm just not a lady! At least I'm honest.'

Access to Vagina Freedom

A few thoughts:

• Most people who are opposed to making women-specific healthcare available to all women are males (I refuse to call them men, because in some instances, they are more like boys).  They claim to be god-loving and god-fearing, therefore they shouldn't have to pay for women to take medications that kill human life (which is NOT what birth control does, BTW).  But, how pious would they be when they get someone pregnant due to the fact they timed the rhythm method wrong and the girl they hooked up with didn't have access to birth control (because, let's be realistic, only a small portion of so-called god-loving people waited until marriage)?  Would they be the "good" man they claim to be and raise that child - even if it was out of wedlock?  Would they turn on a dime and demand she have an abortion?  Or, what if you were happily married with several kids, and another child would be a huge financial and emotional burden for your family - you are just going to stop having sex? There are too many "what ifs" with "good" men - let women decide how to take care of their body.  After all, we are the ones who incubate the sucker.
• This law is about making access to overall women's healthcare available to all women by not allowing employers/insurance companies to decide not to provide it willy nilly.
• Keep government out of my religion, and keep government from inserting religion into decisions, personal or otherwise.
• This bill is requiring private (and public) entities to provide access/coverage to such healthcare - whether you like it or not, just because a college or hospital is "affiliated" with a church, does not change the fact that you are a private entity.  
• The Church or any other religious organization will not be paying for birth control, so give it a rest. The bill requires that employees have access to care specific to women's health - and insurance companies will pay for contraception for women who work for those entities that are exempt.
• The law was adopted so that all women can have access to affordable preventative medicine and to sustain overall women's health, which includes contraception.  Contraception lowers unwanted pregnancies, saves insurance companies money, and is better for women by lowering intensity of periods (therefore lowering instances of anemia and the pain - which may cause women to call in sick to work) and lowering the occurrence of ovarian cysts.
• The reason this was adopted was because treatments and medicine related to women's healthcare was NOT covered by all employers/insurance companies, and the government found that it was imperative for women to have access to this.  The government is there to protect the greater good and welfare of the public - and I don't see how women's healthcare is NOT something that will increase the greater good and welfare of women (and all citizens, for that matter, including those unborn children everyone is so worried about).  
• Why is it OK to have Viagara covered but not birth control? The government can make sure you can get it up, but not protect women from unwanted pregnancy? Even church affiliated organizations cover Viagara. I'm being dead serious - what the hell is the difference (and don't say birth control kills babies, because that is false)?
• If you needed a transplant, and your employer felt that such a procedure was against his/her religion, therefore insurance would not cover it, wouldn't you want someone to come in and protect your interests?  You wouldn't say get the government keep out of your life then.

The War on Women - I am looking at you Virginia!

Caveat: politics is contributing to the support/opposition of these bills/actions, so keep that in mind.  However, I do not see this war on chicks going away, so the point is always relevant!

Over the last few weeks, several things have gone down that directly insert government and, more so, politics into women's rights and health protection. Some key issues: Catholic employers not having to cover contraception, a Virginia bill that would require a trans-vaginal ultrasound in order to perform an abortion, abstinence only sex-ed, and another Virginia bill that says life begins at contraception.

The role of government, as opposed to the private sector, is to promote the well being and safety of the public through laws and rules.  I do not see how that duty spreads to telling women they can't take birth control or perform a function that does not directly impact any one else (except for maybe the seed planter). I think there is a key difference between government getting involved in (or more appropriately, protecting) healthcare/women's reproductive service and politics.  Government should have a role in protecting such rights, but politics is taking center stage to limit that.


Now, Virginia - your name was said to be an homage to "The Virgin Queen," Elizabeth I.  She was known for, among many other things, her religious tolerance.  And, now we have religion (mainly Catholic and evangelical churches) trying to insert (pun intended) their views on women.  Not men, just women. While Elizabeth may have been unmarried, bore no children, and was labeled a virgin, she could be considered an early symbol of women's liberation and freedom.  She, generally, chose not to marry - she brushed off several suitors for various reasons (and yes, they may have been political, but she did it); she had many male advisers around her, but she made the choices; she had lovers; she rallied her people around her; she did it by her rules.

Congress then convenes a panel to discuss the impact of the health care bill requirement of providing contraception with NO WOMEN present.  Really?!  In response I think we should have a discussion about requiring vasectomies to men who don't pay child support or have more than three baby mommas.  A panel full of women who have not received said money, and their children who are the real victims (I would sign up for that!).

I don't see them telling men that they can't take Viagara or get a vasectomy if they don't want to have kids.  It appears that these people believe that reproductive control rests solely on women, but don't think we should take pill or have an abortion, so we are effectively handcuffed to rely on men to get their timing right (look how the rhythm method worked for Mitt Romney). Women are then burdened to ensure that their partner pulls out at the right time or else we are stuck with the burden.  We can't help the fact that most men can't control themselves and misgauge when the "right" time to pull out is.  I wonder if the miracles of science ever create a "man pill" that will kill his swimmers, would the church or government oppose that? Probably not.

So, now, since we can't have the pill (and men are stupid and don't know when to pull out), we get pregnant.  You are telling me I have to get something inserted inside me to get an ultrasound - isn't that what got us here in the first place? When I had my tumor, I had to have one of those done, and that was NOT comfortable at all.  Women are already making a life changing decision (and that includes her choice to keep the child), and now you want to treat us like children and show us a picture? Do you think we didn't think about our options before?  Believe it or not, women who walk into a doctor's office or clinic have agonized over her choice - these women are not emotionally void people who don't think about the many options in front of her when faced with an unwanted pregnancy.  Who are you to assume that these women can't make decisions for themselves? 

It is a human's choice to have sex (or not), who to have sex with, and how they are to protect themselves from STD's and unwanted pregnancies. It is also a person's prerogative to follow or live by the tenets of the religion that they so choose.  Its funny how the Church is inserting itself into this conversation when most Catholics (myself included) believe in the fundamental right of and utilize birth control.  I am not saying the Church should pass out condoms or other forms of contraception at mass, but my decision to use contraception is between me and God.

And, this doesn't even consider women (and those GIRLS) who became pregnant because of rape or incest.  These women were violated because someone put something between her legs that SHE did not WANT there.  Now, you want to stick something else in there? While many believe terminating a pregnancy is acceptable in cases of rape or when the health of the mother is jeopardized, some still believe that abortion is never acceptable.  So, you are saying that a woman or girl who is raped and gets pregnant must give birth to her attackers child?  There is a lifetime of therapy ahead for both the mother and child in that case.

President Obama backed off of requiring Catholic health providers from dishing out contraceptives, but employees must be able to access it through insurance plans.  But now the government is now requiring women to go through hoops to have an abortion.  We are not in the 17th century when the Catholic Church ran the world - why are you giving into them, but limiting women's access to services?

As Amy Poehler said: DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO!

Old Familiar Faces

So, many who read this will probably figure out who I am talking about, but, whatever.

This weekend I had dinner with a former beau (we will call him Beau #1) who I haven't seen in probably 6 or 7 years.  While our relationship may have ended in college, for me there was always something special about our time together.  What was that something? I don't know. It was just a connection between us. Our conversation was natural and fun.  We reminisced, caught up on the goings of the last few years, happenings of family and friends, and future plans.  He remembered things about me, little things, things that seem silly, but in reality demonstrate our past connection (even though that connection was 8 years ago).  Like he laughed and didn't seemed surprised that I quote "Tombstone" a few times a week at work (I was still quoting movies back then), because, even back then, it was one of my fave flicks. While that may seem silly, it was selfishly reassuring.  I laughed with #1 about something that was "typical" Becca, or something that was "totally" #1 (or not), but I don't think that would happen with some subsequent beaus.  While we are only mere acquaintances now, our relationship then was important, special and fun; that no matter that so many years have past, we remember the wonderful fun times we had. We had some bad times, lots of rough patches, but we chose to discuss the good ones. Isn't that what really matters?

I started thinking about what other relationships are like that.  They are few and far between.  And I thought about the fact that Beau #1 may really know more about the person I am today than some people who are currently in my life. I think those moments with some other beaus would not include laughter but a rolling of my eyes.  That falls a bit on me.  I don't know if I wasn't open to having those moments; maybe I am in a bad spot without the luxury of hindsight (and it hasn't kicked in yet).

I think he knows what defines who I am more than subsequent beaus that I had spent significantly more time with, or it could just be the luxury of time.  If it's the former, what does that say about me? More importantly, I think, what does that say about my relationship with these beaus?  Did I not share that information?  Was Beau #1 just more receptive? Did he care more?  Did I care more? Was understanding people in his life more important than the others? Was I not as open or receptive to being "read" or understood because of my history with Beau #1 (and other men folk)? Was it just the fact that it was "young love"?

I don't think I intentionally kept little things about me secret, but maybe as I have become older and more cynical I have done so subconsciously.  Or was I blind to the fact that later beaus just didn't "get it" or that this type of "loyalty" wasn't as important to them.

So where is the difference? I think that loyalty is a big part of relationships (I am not talking about loyalty that, say, soldiers have on the battlefield, but strictly personal relationships) - whether it is to a romantic partner, friend, coworker, etc - and to be loyal you must have compassion, sympathy, empathy and understanding.  You can't be loyal to someone without knowing them .  You know what makes them tick, what to say that will always make the laugh, and what will make them see red with rage.  You have to be able to tell them you are sorry and put yourself in their shoes and feel their pain.  You have to have these pieces to have a real relationship with someone - whether romantic or friendship.  Its in your gut. That is what fosters loyalty and unless you are willing to find all of these things, you can never truly be a loyal friend or lover.  

I take pride in my loyalty to others, and my friends' loyalty to me; we all share each piece of the puzzle.  We surround ourselves with people like us, and if you yourself cannot appreciate these traits, you probably surround yourself with people with similar approaches to relationships, and as such they would probably not covet such traits.  And while you may be floating along believing you have a deep circle of trust, I would disagree.  Without loyalty, compassion, empathy and understanding, how can you ever truly trust or put yourself all in?  Would your friends call you if they need something? If not, then how can you be so sure that your circle of relationships is a real and healthy one?  And, in my opinion, these people are not necessarily ones that are "true" friends. Ergo, they would not be people I would want to surround myself with.

We can all find people that share pieces of the puzzle - those values of compassion, empathy, understanding and ultimately loyalty - and epitomize what we want in a partner (or friend).  If we allow ourselves to find it.

Doc: Sure you do. Say goodbye to me. Go grab that spirited actress and make her your own. Take that beauty from it, don't look back. Live every second. Live right on to the end. Live Wyatt. Live for me. Wyatt, if you were ever my friend - if ya ever had even the slightest of feelin' for me, leave now. Leave now... Please.

Wyatt : Thanks for always being there, Doc.

Superbowl XLVI - Deja Vu All Over Again

I sat through this once before.  No, I am not speaking of a Giants/Pats Superbowl (while we all did), I am talking about a heart-wrenching Championship series/match-up between the "big brother" from New York and they arch enemy (yes, ARCH enemy).  It was the Phillies/Yankees World Series. 

As a die hard Mets fan, the Phillies were the d-bag division rivals whose fans have a propensity to be jerkoffs (generally - and when I say generally, I mean it, I am not trying to brand all Phillies fans as anything, I am merely going on observation.... I will say that at each game there were ALWAYS pockets of fans who were fun, good natured, and decent people); the Yankees were the big-headed boys up the block.  I related it to having to choose to root for the neighborhood bully, or that jerkface cousin down the (Jersey) 'pike who we had to see a few times a year who would always walk up to you and poke you in the eye.  For no reason at all.

I said there was no way I could root for either team in the Series.  There was too much bad blood (like hatred for a bigger, more successful, older family member who you want to throw the turkey at over Thanksgiving dinner) with the Yanks; the Phils were bona fide enemies - no way in hell that was happening.  Short of wishing an asteroid would hit the field and destroy 'em both, there was nothing much I could do but just watch.  And enjoy the game of baseball.

Now, there are those people who say, "you are from New York, you should root for the New York team." No.  I'm sorry.  It doesn't work that way for Mets/Jets/Bills fans or fans of a team in a particular area with more than one regional team in any sport (Chicago, or Florida, or California).  If we want to root for a New York team other than the Mets, we would root for the Dodgers or the Giants before the Yankees (yes, our California defectors are both in the National League, and the Yanks are American League, but you get my point).  You shouldn't dislike a team because of where they are from, and you shouldn't like a team solely because where they are from.  I am from Long Island; I am an Islanders fan.  Just because NYC is the love of my life and I lived in Newark, doesn't mean I should like the Rangers or Devils, respectively, because of their location.

Now, specifically back to the event at hand:

While the Giants have not held on to the "big brother" or "neighborhood bully" title continuously for decades like their baseball kin, I am starting to feel that way.  It only came on this season, really. A bit burned and jealous about my Jets? Sure.  But it was more than that.  At the Christmas Eve game, there were ALOT of nasty hate-filled Giants fan.  One tried to throw down with me as we were leaving the stadium.  Really?  Please.  I sat next to a few Giants fans who I had only met that day - we had fun, ribbed each other for crappy plays, etc. All in good fun - just like when I go to Mets/Yankees games.  But, there was just something DIFFERENT this time around.  

Anyway.  As with the Phillies, there is no way in hell I could root for the Patriots.  They are that jerkface cousin down the (Mass) 'pike who like to spit in your Cheerios just because they can.  Not to mention, they are led by the devil who doesn't own a complete shirt with original sleeves.

And, it is so hard to deal with a team that is not your own, owning your sport in your own backyard.  Heartwrenching.  Something I have gotten used to over these many a years.

So, after all that.  I am merely looking forward to a good football game.  It will be high scoring - 2 QBs playing at their best, playing indoors, a Pats team with a horrible secondary - so I look forward to some fun plays.  I am going to enjoy the game -- I won't high five when a particular team scores (or doesn't).  I will celebrate great plays.  I will enjoy the game of football.

Permanent Renter?

My homeowner coworkers discussed their septic tank, snow clearing and other home-related issues.  I pronounced that I think I will be a permanent renter.

So why a permanent renter?  I don't know if I ever want to establish roots.  Or more so, I don't know how to.  The longest I lived in a home was 4 years (8th grade through first half of 12th grade) - been to 7 different elementary or middle schools before staying put in high school.  I am not angry or damaged by it (some may disagree with that), that is just the reality.  And things like that impact someone - one way or another.   

I am just me - Maybe some women aren't meant to be tamed. Maybe they need to run free until they find someone just as wild to run with them.  As Cullen Bohannon said: always have one eye on the door.  For now.

I then continued to say that if I marry someone, we may eventually determine to establish our stronghold somewhere permanently, but maybe not.  They might be a nomad like me.  Or, I would just marry someone rich and famous (not necessarily famous, but rich), and we could buy a house... just because we could; and up and go as we wanted.  Wouldn't that be somethin'? (I am centered in reality - but a girl can dream). 

Not to mention, I am allergic to grass and pollen, so mowing lawns is a no go.  I don't need sprawling spaces every day - just maybe a plot of land or a balcony to read my book and listen to my Metsies on the radio.  Of course, I do need my fix of bonfires and fields and farms - in doses.  While I may be handy with a hammer, nails and a wrench - handling all that on my own is not my bag. 

In response: "well, when you are rich (or marry someone rich) you can pay someone to take care of the lawn and various chores."  Touche, my friend.  Touche.

Of course, since I dropped the M-bomb in a hypothetical ("if") scenario, the focus turned to the "when" instead of the "if." Yes, I did made a promise to myself that I wouldn't even think of marriage or kids or any other established commitment until 30.  I made that promise to myself - something I had to do for me based on the things that went down in my childhood and wayward thoughts I had on commitment in college.  And here comes 30. Just because the promise sunsets come November 7th, doesn't mean the hunt is on (well, unless you are Anson Mount, Bradley Cooper, or Kenny Chesney); it does mean that I am ushering into a new phase, and maybe the provision will ultimately be extended.  Husband hunting season doesn't necessarily open when the sun rises on 30.

For now, I am content in my one bedroom apartment solo.  I always have one eye on the door and a hold on my own heart.  Until someone gets me to let go of it (and proves they are worthy of it) or some place proves they deserve me to establish myself in one spot, I am a non-permanent resident of here, but a permanent resident of me.  Running wild on a one-woman journey until I maybe find someone to be free and wild with me.

Tentative Schedule of Bad Ass Adventures (so far)

2012 marks year 30, so I am scheduling my year of bad ass adventures leading up to November.  Open to suggestions and co-conspirators. Here's what we got coming (will update as new adventures are scheduled):

January:

February:

March: St. Pats in Boston

April:Mets 50th Anny Conference at Hofstra

May: Paramotor Tour
June: VEGAS!

July: Zipline down Hunter Mountain

August: Double dose of Kenny and Tim; and SKYDIVING

September: Madonna

October: IRELAND!

November:

12 Days of Christmas - Bex Style

January 6th is Epiphany (the 12th day of Christmas), so I came up with my own 12 Days of Christmas.  It is a pseudo take on the "Wish List" that got me in trouble in college.

On the 12th day of Christmas my true love (me) gave to me: 

Twelve badass adventures leadin' up to the big 3-0;

Eleven winnin' the Chase;

Ten times more fun;

Nine Willem Dafoes Riverdancin';

Eight glasses of RonRon Juice;

Seven nights a week with a hot (and smart) man (Anson Mount for serious at the top of the list - but I am also down with Bradley Cooper, Jeremy Renner, David Wright, John Cusack, Ike Davis, Chris O'Dowd, Colin Firth, Colin Farrell, Kenny Chesney or a dude with a fabulous accent);

Six points that were robbed in the Sugar Bowl;

Five goooooold rings (one each for my Hokies, Mets, Jets, Isles, and Knicks);

Four awesome nights in VEGAS;

Three healthy babies for those in my life;

Two kick-ass Kenny and Tim (and Jake Owen and Grace Potter) concerts;

And a Becca-fabulous year!